There are a whole lot of us on this planet who feel things deeper than most. We are those who seem to attract the very worst situations as well as people of the shittiest sort to our life, but for no other reason than that we are capable of dealing with things that others seem unable to.


What a statement that introduction is, right? (Right).

This typically means that this particular writing will be very…very…in some parts…VULGAR…in terms of the presentation that you each and all will be “hit” with, so to speak. And I am saying it right now, that I will make no apologies to anyone who thinks that I am speaking directly to and at them…I probably am doing exactly that.

I guess that I am sort of lucky that until now, I have had to simply deal with this last week’s harshness alone, but not. It is not a mistake that when we cannot get in touch with others within our hanai ohana, namely those who we need to reach out to and who have, in the past, reached out to us when they needed someone just to simply listen…we are being told, right then, to think about why it is that we are going through what it is that we are.

In my case, I know it has a lot to do with my …growing ability…to turn my healer’s back on people who I just cannot tolerate in terms of helping them to heal themselves. The issue, by the way, is not ours – it is theirs and they have made it ours for a long time. What a buncha SHIT !

Perhaps it is not the right way to start this writing off, because the reality is not that I need to write about more stuff that is already saturating us all the time in terms of who is, and who is not, an Empath. I know that I am an Empath. I know that those who are closest to me are also this same thing. I know that there are things that I am able to discern from what seems to be nothing, and I know that a lot of what it is that I will feel and sense will not be of the greatest, nor happiest vibration.

I know that there are people who we share the air with, and more than that, people who our daily lives are impacted by in terms of our abilities, and typically, those people are the worst people for anyone with a sharp sense of knowing, at all times, and feeling, at all times, and being very sensitive to the energies of others, most of the time, and for the most part, in the easiest language that my brain is able, at this point in time in my life as an academic, as a writer, as a human being, can conjure – people are shitty, and people do shitty things. Shitty people do shitty things.

Shitty People do Shitty Things

I was trying to clean up my language with my blogs, but what the fuck for? So people without the right to judge me for who I am, for who anyone is, can feel like they have had some modicum of control over my thoughts? Why should I not be me, and why is it that anyone at all believes that they…they who are not me, who are not others like me….who the hell is anyone else to try hard to fuck with people about who they truly are on the inside? Who is anyone to tell me that they would read what I write if I chose to not write the words “shitty,” “fuck,” “god damned,” “mother fucker,” as well as a whole host of other apparently, to some, very offensive language?

Does it occur to those who are offended by me, by my words, my anything…me who has a huge heart and a lot of soul, and me who is unconditional in her manner of being able to pinpoint what is the collective energies of the planet on any given day of the week…does it fucking occur to anyone at all that the more you tell me, or people like me, that we are offending others, or that we are offensive, period, that that alone puts YOU in the area of being an offensive prick?  It makes you an offensive prick because you are telling people like me that when we are being ourselves, we are offending you, because we happen to not clean up our language for your eyes to not read. I am sorry, but if this is you, I am NOT writing this to please YOU. I am writing this because this is what Kahuna folks do – we fucking orate, and we write, and we know the god damned power of words,  and to those of you who are offended by it?

Get over it -it does not occur to you that perhaps your phoniness in terms of proper behavior from other humans might be the thing that people like me are pointing out in you. It might not occur to you that people like me do like we do and say what we do, NOT because we have some sort of mental …problem….but, because we are always being called offensive, always being called and told that we are too sensitive and that we need to “suck it up, buttercup….”

How the fuck about FUCK YOU? How about knock your sorry shit off, and how about YOU just don’t fuck with sensitive people with your bullying tactics? What the fuck is wrong with me? NOT A GOD DAMNED THING…keep fucking reading…

I am not too sensitive – you are an asshole.

People like me are not in need of being told again and again that we are who is fucked up. It does not occur to others who have no intention of being anything like the person who you are supposed to be right now is trying hard to come out, and it is people like me – the ones who you bully mercilessly, and the ones who you call “paranoid,” “insane,” and “unstable,” and are the ones who literally feel your truth – the very truth you deny.

Your truth is why you bully others, and your truth is the truth that you cannot face, even as your truth is the thing that is screaming at you from those who are just like me…me who is empathetic, and me who is no longer taking anyone’s shit. Your truth is what you deny, and in response to that, you and others like you want me and others like me to deny our truths. We cannot do that. We will not do that, at least not anymore, and not for a bunch of entitled fucks who believe their own bullshit and then carry that bullshit out onto the world as though it is your fucking right to be an asshole, just because that is how you roll, and just because that happens to be the only strength you think you have.

You like to bully people, and you have turned a fucking dear weakness into a strength that is only topical – meaning that it is only on the top of things where the audience you seek can see it, where the people who you have drawn to you so that you can siphon the good energies from others through your pretend bullshit which usually comes across as you needing sympathy rather than you accepting being kicked in the face by the Goddess you seem to think does not exist and is the same Goddess that you chase your phony God or your phony …anything that you worship-usually your self – on. You are not impressive, and I am tired of your shit. I am more tired of carrying your heavy energy and made sick by the idea that you – EVERY LAST FUCKING ONE OF YOU – have this image of yourself as being the victim in all of your dramas.

Guess what? You’re right….you victimize others to feel superior, but you want to be the highest of the lowest, which is fine because that is where you belong – with those who believe the idea that in order to be good enough or strong enough, you have to have someone else who can be pointed at, who can be called the one who brought you the pain. It is not me or anyone like me who has brought these things to you. They have always been there. The thing that me and others like me actually do is bring out the worst in you so that you can see it, and you can try not to fail to it. But you always do.

It takes so little to be a thinking and feeling and a real person, but you opt for the fake because the fake allows you to fool those who trade their souls to become your follower, your henchman, your apath…and eventually even those who would be your minions fade away from your life.

The only thing that is left for those of us who are Empathetic and in this energy is the very real feeling of being no longer in the presence of people who abuse with impunity, who do not realize that they are doing it and that when they are doing it they are showing us all every bit of every thing that has happened to them and that they have denied being the truth that needs to be healed.

We are tired of your shit, guys…

I am not alone in this feeling and this energy that is screaming “hey man FUCK YOU…”

What No One Realizes…

This is what no one realizes about people with a superior sense of empathy – those who are strong empathetically can see right through the lies, right through the things that people who sense (but pass the senses off as though they are wrong) can see through, and the impossible thing about it all is that those who sense can do nothing about the fact that we not only draw those who are exactly like us to us (in the sense that is partnerships and hanai ohana= soul tribe) what we sense, and right through the bullshit that we have been fed for a very long period in our lives by those who are there for us to work through the bullshit that we have had handed to us over the course of our lives. 

And again…I must defer, sort of , to how it is that we are each and all raised. I make a joke, everyday just about, on one of my social networks, regarding something that I referred to for some time as “old people theater.” It is not about old people going to the theater, but the old people who I spend much time with. While it is that I understand that these are people who grew up in a different time, where different things applied, I find most revealing the idea that the things that I hear smack loudly of the kind of upbringing they’d had.

On one end, there is the absoluteness of being a child watching one’s parent abuse the other parent.

On the other hand, there is the child who was made afraid, not only to disobey, but more, to disappoint.

Then there is me, the one who is still soothing the child within, the very one who, from the time that I was physically a child, has been mostly a witness to as well as the person being treated improperly. I cannot change others, but I can change my thoughts about what it is that has been part of my life, for the whole of my life, by two people who, themselves, have never healed from the pain of the abuses they were told was actually discipline. I am sorry but, ALL HAWAIIANS need to ACCEPT – it was abuse, and you are each and all still reeling from it all.

Rather than listen to what is not being said, by anyone at all, some of you say it is not going to work, and the others do not trust what is said and what is the antidote for the things that ail us all in the soul.

And all this  does is perpetuate within me, these things called self-doubt, self-loathing, an energy of not being able to trust me and what I know as being my truth.

Maestro would never lie to me about the things that he sees in me that I need to work on, and neither does Amber, or Gator, or Mama No…as well as my good friend Bobby. It is not apparent to me that I need to remember not only who I am, every time it is that someone purposely harms me emotionally,  but also what I am – which is an Empath.

Because I am an Empath

Because I am an Empath, I feel things lots deeper than most, and more, I feel things that others feel, even when those others are not realizing that they are reacting to the energies that they feel within them. Because I am an Empath, and more, a water sign (most empathetic of all the water signs is the Pisces….ugh…Dannie, Greg….Jeremy…OMFG…I am right, right? I am not the only one feeling the bullshit of the entirety of mankind, right? Even though that entirety might only be the circle of souls I am the closest with….ugh…like birds of a feather…fish in the same school – this would be us..ALL of us ) I tend to confuse whose energies I am feeling most, and more, whose energies are false ones and being used by others to cover up their own pain.

In these energies are where the things which live within me (which I am no longer going to allow it, even though it is there…I can turn it into something else…I will figure it out because I always do) come out, and in these energies is where it is contained, every little hurt that I have ever had to feel and every little bit of bullshit that others have handed to me that apparently they could not handle – so they give it to others in the form of bullying and in the form of having doubts about themselves, which automatically makes a bully assume that we have these same doubts. Of course we do, but we are not going to hand them off to someone else to deal with.

They are ours to work with, but, at the same time, it is not anyone else’s right or business or duty to point out what they perceive as being someone else having flaws. The one thing that tires an Empath out the most is carrying the weight of people who do not bother to acknowledge who they are for real. People would feel so much better and lighter if they would just try harder to carry their own weight rather than placing it onto others in the form of belittlement, the form of berating, the form of bullying, the form of dismissing and not truly understanding the depths of the emotional soul.

When it comes to things that harm other people, and those people bring it to your attention, it is not a choice that you get to make in terms of who it is that you are trying to prove anything to. It does not matter what you know better or more of, and really, the things that you are fighting with others over are the things that re important to you. What makes you believe that the things that are important to others are not important, period? What makes you think that what it is that you have to say to anyone at all is somehow open to your own inability to see past what you prefer rather than what is needed by anyone else?

There is a horrid, collective mana, an energy that too many people have right now and an energy that makes anyone at all believe that somehow, things that bother them and that other people have to say are the things that others will not be affected by if you are not careful with how you present things to anyone at all. That something bothers you is one thing, but that you will continue to make light of things that bother someone else and make those things not be as important to you as they are to someone else, it only tells a person that you are just as …arrogant…as anyone else is, because in not accommodating anyone, and making those people pretty much beg for you to just simply not fuck with them in the manner that you have stated you will continue to, you are not being a healer – in fact, you are being the asshole that I am believing that you have always been, just older and more able to prettily call someone else stupid.

The only stupidity is not seeing the value in a person who is there and asking you nicely to knock your shit off.

Your refusal to do so makes you not only a bully, but a fucking phony.

Yeah bitches..I fucking said it, so, perhaps about this time is when you ought to realize you are not fucking perfect or better than anyone, and mother fucking deal with it






HANAI – No One Gets Left Behind

Ohana Mana'o Blog Lilo And Stitch

In our lives we go through a lot, mostly to know where we are in our own lives and more importantly, who is traveling with us.

…”‘Ohana” means “family.” “Family” means “no one gets left behind.” But if you want to leave, you can. I’ll remember you though…” (Lilo Pelekai, Disney’s ‘Lilo and Stitch)


The importance of the people in our lives boils down to NOT what someone, anyone, is willing to do on our behalf, but down to who is always going to be there, even when things are awful. We learn about the things that are most important to us via the things that we go through that call for us to let go of things and ways of being, rather than sacrificing them, because sacrificing anything means that we have to have control of the way someone else feels about what it is that we have or have not done for them or on their behalf, with little hope that the energy will be reciprocated. By “sacrificing,” what I am saying is that there are people who we have known, the each of us, for the entirety of our lives, and in order to be “loved” and accepted by them, we have to sacrifice little pieces of ourselves, meaning that we are not the whole of our Selves, at all, and it is all because we believe that they need to love us, and worse, we actually believe that we need their kind of Love.

Most of the time, we know when and where we are being accepted by those who we most love to be with, by those who we love the very most, and those who we trust very dearly with our selves and our lives. This is who we are, we human beings – we are the people who need one another, and the people who, for all it is worth, meant to be with one another, specifically with those who are most like us.

Those who are most like us

There are several different schools of thought, many different theories and views about what is and what is not family, and what is and what is not a community, and what is and what is not one’s own ethnic values system.

Your Ethnic Values System  is NOT the same as a cultural one, because when it all comes down to the end of the thoughts we think, an ethnic values system can be thought of as being the way that you think and behave according to your locality. I am in Southern California, and this means that my ethnic values are combined with my cultural ones and voila – you have this version of a human being who is the Los Angeles Kahuna. You have this person who is tied to the shared past she has with others who also ancestrally hail from the islands known as Hawai’i, and this person who was born and raised in Los Angeles, with a ton of other people who are not like her, but just like her in that we are all one ohana. All one human family.

It might be a cultural thing, though, in some cases, that we are expected to not get along, expected to hate, for no other reason than that it is a cultural thing. When we fail to what is the past, and we carry on those traditions of hatred and ignorance, all for the sake of not having to uncover and deal with our own feelings of collective inferiority, not only are we failing in and with who we are, but more, we are allowing someone else’s issues to be our issues and allowing those others to have a tiny bit of control, not over our lives, but, over who we are to ourselves in terms of how we feel about us.

How we feel about us

We are taught how we are supposed to feel about ourselves from the people who are within the boundaries of our lives. We are taught who we are to them from a very young age, and we are shown how to behave in terms of what is expected of us.

The issues arise, though, when we are shown and taught, but are not seeing a good enough example of what is expected of us. This is where we are first shown how to be dishonest with ourselves about who we are. Other people, no matter what they say is their reason for anything, are going to damage us. We cannot make it not happen, and we are not able to stop other people – it happens and is a part of life that is unavoidable unless we are able to come away from that which we have been told is our truth according to anyone else at all. The most that we are able to do when it comes to our not being able to stop certain others from harming us emotionally is to simply just no longer be around them. In terms of our blood relations when we are children, this is a problem. Our parents tell us that they used to get along with their cousins, but they do not tell us that there were certain ones who they used to despise or that the feeling was very mutual. Still, even though we tried very dearly to not act on what we were feeling, it was hard on our little souls to fake liking someone else just because it was expected that we did.

A person may have lost what they have considered their life for the majority of it, as I am finding out right now with this injury that is more of an emotional bother than an actual physical one. We can work our lives long towards one thing, only to have it be that very suddenly and without warning, that one thing can change, and when it happens, we are lost and have no idea of what we can do about the thing that we perceive as a loss. The reason that we will see it as a loss is because it was something that we felt defined who we were and are. When I was growing up, I was told that I was a phenomenal dancer, that I was bright and bubbly and all of those other wonderful things that the word “dancer” has always had attached to it.

However, just as there is this…energy…within me, which is the very same feeling and energy that has always been there, for the entirety of my life on this planet and an energy that does not stop me from loving being that same dancer. The energy is still there, even though the knee is still healing. I write a lot about my dancing, and about why it is that I dance, but I do not go on to tell a person that within my Ohana, it is the thing that most know me for, and is the thing that is the essence that is Me. This is not to say that my Hanai (adopted) Ohana has seen my Dance at anytime in the recent past of our shared memories, but it is to say that those who know me best, know this as my essence and my energy, and those who see me most often can tell that this is my Soul coming through to them, that the reason that it seems that I can navigate through any chaos, either tangibly or in the realm of the mind, is because I have spent my life, even as I realize it now, living to a count of 8. 

Without this recollection of who I am, a lot of people would not know that this is me, that those who know me best and most are the ones who I consider my family, my ohana, regardless if whether or not there is blood, there is Aloha...and within the unit of the ohana, blood is less important than heart, soul, and Love.

While this is the very truth, what is also the very truth is that the Love that we have for our families is the love that we have for the family that we create, and the family we create might not be the one that we physically create in the biological sense, but, is the one that we create that we know we are an important part of. Without our own presence in that familial bond, and without the presence of those closest to us, we really haven’t the tiniest clue of what it means to be Ohana in the manner that is not blood, not DNA, not a same Grandmother, but, the kind that is nurtured through the ties that bind us willingly to these others who we feel as though they indeed were placed in our lives so that we would each and all know this reality called Ohana.

Unconditionally, we Love

When it comes to the love between two people, it is unmatched by much else or by much else that can be considered the Love energy prevalent within the confines of human life. We love those who we call “family,” and I know that within the confines of my own Hanai Ohana…my own adopted family…there is nothing but Love of the unconditional sort.

Sure, there are those within that familial energy who we get upset with, who irritate us, and piss us off, but, without them, we feel like our family is incomplete (hey – every family has a couple of weird cousins, a very eccentric auntie or two, at least one mahu uncle, and many elders….haha…please, keep reading…). Without those whose hurts are obvious to us, whose broken state is apparent, who are part of our lives and who need us in theirs as much as we do not realize that we need them in ours, we have no idea what the truth of compassion is. Without these broken people in our lives, and especially since way down deep inside, we know how broken we are for real, we have no mirror, and we have no one to give this hope and this honor of being part of a group whose love energy is unlike that of any other on the planet. It is the energy that is produced by this group, this energy of Love, of loyalty and of being able to depend on any one of them, sometimes at a moment’s notice, for no other reason than that we might simply need an ear (MaestroAmber…Scott…Dannie…April…Noreen…hi guys…you know I love you )and most of the time, unless they are busily trying to heal something of their own, they are there for us.

This is the reason why I have such a hard time, have had such a hard time, for the majority of my life, trying to think and accept the idea that the only family that any one of us ever truly has is the one that we are born into. I have always had the question in my head, the one that also and always asked if it were the truth that we were family, and that we were meant to love one another unconditionally and if it were that we were acceptable to them in the very manner that we are, even if the manner that we are in at any given time is one of a disheveled human being…then why was it that I always felt like I did not belong?

A lifetime of Pain…

It is not a secret – I have never truly felt like I belonged with anyone other than a very certain few within one side of my extended family. Because I do not personally want to live through that pain of remembering how I was treated by many of them from the time that I was a small child, I will simply just state here and now that there are some who I know that I can relate to, because those few and I have something in common. Whether it is hula (Hui…Kawai…pe he’a ‘oe, cousin? How are the babies?) or perhaps my intellectual pursuits (Kapiolani…Kaiulani…Ku’uipo…hi guys!) or maybe it is that we share a very strong, very unique bond, and one that is unmatched to any others and is more akin to being siblings (Eh…Pio…Wai…Mary…Kisha and Gina…Drew…Jimmy, Jeffrey and Jason…Micah…Anela…Lance…Howzit you guys?)…My entire point is that we are gifted, every single one of us, with this…radar…within, and one that never fails us.

It is the radar that, when I was a child, told me, even then, that what I was in for with at least one side of my family was not going to be very kind, told me that on some level, because of who I have always been, there would always be those people who were not able to wrap their heads around how strange and eccentric I have always been. I was not told that this would or could happen. I was told that family loves us no matter what. In my case, with exception to the very few, given how large my combined family of both sides has always been, it was something that went completely against everything that I was told was the truth. I was hurt most of the time, not for anything other than that more times than not, I was not included in a lot of things, and this was because of everything that people felt about my dad – sad, right? Sad that the way that they felt about him would trickle down to me, and sad that some of them could not see just me as me.

Then one day it hit me – they indeed WERE seeing me as me, and even they knew then what I have only known for a few years now…we were just not each others’ kind of people, and because of this, it caused me a lifetime’s worth of pain that these days, have become the thing that has actually served me better now than it hurt me then. I did not know this then, because as a child, I was learning what I needed to learn, a long lesson in what is the truth of being part of a family biologically, versus being part of a family that you know you belong with, part of a family that loves me as this me and loves me even though I am the person who can wear permanent “bitch face” if I had to.

I suppose that what I am trying to say is that we are taught, and rightly so, to have respect for our families, and to love them, but what no one tells us is that there usually comes a day in each of our lives where we are able to choose what is and what is not our personal definition of being part of a family really is. We are taught that our blood is absolute, which it is, but what no one tells us is that we are not bound by our blood to one another, but rather and only by our souls and our similar energies – even though it is blood and DNA that ties us biologically forever. We are not told that it is okay to not like our mom’s brother or our dad’s dad, and we are also not told that one day we will know the reason why we did not like them, but that when we understood, we would love them, even if it meant loving them from a distance.

We are not told when we are kids that we are allowed to like who we like, are not told that Love does not mean that someone is always going to be nice to you. We are not told that while we may well Love these other people, that we might not like them, or that it is okay that we don’t. We are not told that when we get older, the people who are the closest to us might not be those who we share DNA and a grandmother with, but will be people who we share the most memories with, people we have the most in common with, because we have spent a lot of quality time with them. We are not told that when we are able to see these things, that the pain will be monumental, and that even though it hurts and might hurt for a very long time, it will be the pain that will actually be what saves us from having to deal with that same pain, again from these very same teachers who brought it to us and kept bringing it to us.

We, instead, are told, at least a lot of us were, and even now, there are still a lot of people who think that Love between family members is automatic, is a requirement, and that the requirement is ours when it comes to “making” anyone else feel differently about us. We are forced through guilt and coercion, and if we should disagree with that guilt, that coercion, that obviously, we do not deserve the “Love” from others within our actual biological and extended, or even nuclear, families.

Then one day, it happens…

It took me a very long time to retrain my brain so that I would know who Loves me and who is only in my life to teach me the harsh lessons that I am meant to learn. It took me along time to learn that I am not bad, just different. It took me a long time to figure out that I am not worthless, because at least one person on this planet finds my presence in their lives to be a very good thing. It took me a long time to get over the things that I was taught was the truth of me, that I would have to just deal with until one day, I just chose to no longer deal with people of a shitty, hurtful nature.

It takes all of us a very long time to choose to relieve our own selves of the pains that others brought to us. And it is an arduous task at best, and the most …heart breaking thing…that any one of us will humanely give ourselves – a break,  permanently, from allowing other people to be awful to us. By “allowing” I do not mean that you are purposely walking into a situation, knowingly open to being abused, and then ultimately being harmed by someone else, and then choosing to go back and do it again and again, without good purpose or without knowing this much – that people are going to take the opportunity to be horrid to us, and because of this, we know to keep ourselves guarded against those who have this energy.

Then, one day, it happens…we end up looking at ourselves, and of course, our phones, or our emails, or photos taken recently, and realize that we actually have family to call our own. It is evidenced by the people who reach out to us, almost daily, just to see if we are okay…

We find out that all along, the people who we called our friends, at least some of them, were there and present in our lives because at the same time that we needed them, they needed us, too.

We figured out that while we might not have held any major importance to anyone with whom we share a grandparent with, we were being ourselves, and no one is at fault for that one. We figured out that what we were not given by our blood relations, our friends have been there all these years, taking care of our hearts and our souls, cradling our spirit in their arms, making sure that we know just how much we are very dearly loved.

We figure out, eventually, that our life matters to these people who do not look at all like us, but, they are just like us where it matters most, which is in the heart and soul, and especially within that boundary called Hanai Ohana, called the family we do not know we have until someone comes along one day and makes it clear to us that we are special, that we matter to them, that who we are is a needed part of who they are. We find out that what it is that they give to us is also the same thing that we give to them.

Mostly, though, we find out that we belong…and this is the most precious, most life giving and priceless gift of all.

We are given this same gift, every single day of our lives.

Indeed…I Love My Hanai Ohana…my adopted family…

You know it… I Love You All !!





The Exchange of Integrity

Money changing hands The Mana'o Blog July 1

Integrity is that thing that we exchange with others at all times. Integrity is also the thing that many tend to let go of when it is that life gets in the way.


Integrity is that thing, I am finding, by right of my own words to a very important person, that I have a whole lot of. You see, the person who inspired this writing, which would be the third one of its kind within a week’s time, gave me, without knowing that they gave me, a challenge and the sort of challenge that I cannot deny. The challenge did not directly come from them. The challenge came from the thing that I was told, this time for the second time, and this time it is nothing that I am not taking seriously, much as I have any other time. Every time, though, when it happens that I see what I see and know what I know is the truth, I find out a whole lot about people in the lives of others who like to say they will do one thing, and end up doing the other thing, and this makes us feel really badly about who we are, simply because the thing that we trusted someone else with has become the symbol of things that hurt us.

Those things hurt us because most of the time those others have been told that maybe what we are doing is not indicative of who we are, and if we are being in the energy that carries less integrity than that which we are living in for and with ourselves, and that energy belongs to someone else, then it is at that time that we need to ask ourselves a whole lot of questions. In my case, the only one that I can ask, in terms of the thing that I am writing about and the thing that caused me to have this inspiration is the idea that when someone entrusts anyone else at all with something that they know carries meaning for anyone, it is wise to hang on to the energy that is the truth that anyone else had in us at one time.

Let it be well known right now that there are not a whole lot of people on this planet who I trust very much, and when it is that someone who I considered trustworthy has proven me otherwise, namely since it is that this person has known me long enough to know, too, that anyone who I bring to their lives with the intention of helping someone else to get what they want to get going, going, and the other person who has entered into anyone’s life by merit of their knowing me, and that person fails to live up to their end of things, I have a problem with it.

I have such a problem with it that today, for the third time this week, I am here, again, writing this blog and I am here, again, trying hard to not feel like I am drowning in my own fear, in my own depths and in my own anger that has become a sadness with a thickness like that of dense cheesecake. My sadness is for a lot of reasons, but in this instance, as I have told those who are still those who I trust, but right now, that sadness is because again, and within a short time, I am cutting ties with someone who I thought was a friend and who I trusted with anything at all, but namely their word.

The words that we speak and write are all we really have. When it is that we say anything to anyone at all, we have to take care that what we say is the truth, and what we say is meant to clarify anything to anyone else. What we are doing in that clarification is simple – we are mapping our expectations. When a transaction of any kind at all takes place, there is a certain expectation of things to happen. Let’s take money, for instance. When we are given the opportunity to make a few dollars doing the thing that we love to do the most, and when it is that an agreement has been made between two or more people in terms of that money or that exchange, all involved are expected, whether it is a signature on a document, or a handshake, or an email, or even a text or phone conversation…all parties, at that moment, are agreeing to the terms of the thing being talked about, meaning that all parties are willingly doing what they all promised that they would.

The reason that I am using money as my example, even as money, while it is important, is not the very most important thing to me, because to me it is simply a tool to get things done, is because everyone knows what money can do to people.

Money and integrity

I understand that there is a lot going on in the planetary climes right now, and that a lot of the things that we held true and as ours are slowly finding their way away from us. I am not different. Just yesterday I had to face the fact that my knee was telling me, again, that I need to just put my hula aside for a bit, and do what I do better than that – write, and research. It has become the only thing that I can turn to in terms of my own and self-imposed therapy. There is no better way for a person who has been called stupid her whole life to prove that one thing different than being the person who makes that thought in my own head no longer valid. I could easily just do something related to hula, but in doing so, all I will end up doing is bring more harm to myself. If there is anyone who does not need more emotional self harm, it is me.

I could sell out, and work with another one of those per word websites, but, that will only make me mad because I know that my words are of value to people. I have been told so. I could sell out, and get help to write web content for other weirdos, but, then I have to believe in the things that I am writing on their behalf, and there is no guarantee that I am going to be paid what I know that I am worth in terms of what I can write, what I do write, and the organic manner that is the writing that I have always done, which is straight from the soul and directly into the eyes that those words are meant for. I could do a lot of things, and yes…I am willing to state now that I am not as good as a lot of writers are, and this is the thing that I believe because the simple fact is that I do not get paid to write, at least not like I did at one time, and only because I will not sell out and take orders from people who are only looking for hits to their websites.

I might be strangling myself in being this way, but this is the way that I do things – with integrity. And I cannot be any other way. I have never been any way but this way. I might do a lot of things that a lot of “saner” people would never do, but the bottom line is that I remain with my integrity, no matter what, and under no circumstances will I allow myself to lower my standards. There are people who want to believe that I have lowered myself to what they want to believe is a level of lowered that only they can see and is about them in certain ways, but even in that thought they are incorrect – I do not see bad things in others if those bad things are not backed up with a certain level of intention. When I see that people are doing things that are going against the thing that they have agreed to, I am automatically seeing what is their intention.

Integrity and Intention

Our integrity is something that we cultivate on our own and without any help. It is brought to us by means of others who have almost no integrity. We learn who we are and who we are not, not only to others but to ourselves, through the level of integrity that others have and are willingly displaying to us through their words and their actions that they show to us. I have been shown my own level of integrity in terms of who I am, and I KNOW that I have not let myself down, meaning that I know, too, that I have not let anyone else down, namely those who are closest to me.

However, those who I thought I might be able to trust with my …trust in them…has been cracked, and in that cracking I have found that I have been duped and that the thing that will be told to me, even though I am not hearing any of it, is just these others trying hard to get around the idea that somehow, their lives are so harsh on them, that they allowed something to slip their mind, for a long time, and that they already know what it was that was so crucial to anyone else that the agreement be kept confidential, as well as said same agreement be kept, period. The reason that the agreement needed to be kept is not just the part that was the representative of the integrity – money – but the truth of the person with whom anyone would make any agreement with. Let it be known now that whenever someone makes an agreement with anyone else, that what you are exchanging is NOT tangible things, but, trust.

Trust is built upon the integrity of others

I am saying it, so deal with it – if you have been operating at less than your own self-set level of integrity, and with my assuming that your own level is as high as it ought to be, then you are not only robbing others of your own self-set goodness, but you are also robbing your damned self of it. When agreements are not kept by all sides, it makes us feel like we somehow are going to lose everything, just because one or more persons have chosen to deal with their own …less than high level of integrity that they expect others, or maybe don’t expect others to have. This is the reality that right at this moment, is mine and this is the reality that lots of people have brought to me not just in the past, but in the recent past, and this is the reality that starts a snowball effect of everything else going wrong in the lives of those whose integrity IS what it is supposed to be (and ought to be) at all times.

What this means is that say you borrowed something from someone. Let’s use clothing for this example – you borrow something that means a whole lot to someone else. You beg that person to please return your item by a specified time, and you trust this person to at least bring it back within a day or two, expecting that like all human beings, the person who is borrowing the dress to at least return it within a respectable amount of time to you.

One day, you are invited to an event that calls for something decently dressy. You call the person who borrowed the item, and they are not able to be reached, by phone, by text, and they do not respond to your emails, either. The event you have been invited to is a fundraiser, and it calls that you wear something demurely smashing, and you call the person again, and again…still, no answer.

And now, you are pissed. (OK I was pissed…keep reading…)

You think that this person has become like all others, and soon you are lumping all others into this pile of others who have less than an acceptable level of integrity. Finally, on the day of this event, you get the dress back. Not only is the dress NOT clean, there are food and wine stains on it, and the person who borrowed it is coming up with all kinds of excuses as to why they did not bring the item back, and they even have the very nerve to have an attitude with you.

Here you were, waiting all this time, knowing that you would have given back that dress in at least the same shape that you borrowed it in, and you are now upset that this person who called themselves a “good friend” has brought this item to you in the manner that they did, with the attitude that they did, and at that moment, you do not realize that you have been shown their truth.

You know it is their truth, but you do not want to believe that it is their truth. You want to see that person in the manner that you would see a stranger, because that is, in that moment, what that person becomes to you. You have experienced the truth of someone else, in this manner, and it is believable and only because the manner in which the other person has brought to you the thing that they think is the truth of you – that you would be cool with it if they didn’t bring your item back to you just the same way it was when you loaned it to them. This was not only them exposing their own truth about themselves, but also will cause any thinking human being without cause to believe otherwise (meaning that at least a return phone call or an email regarding the dress would have at least made the reason for the late return believable) that they were living up to the level of integrity that they always showed you.

Just because someone says something, unless it is that the things that they have said otherwise would tell you not to loan that dress to them, when it is loaned to them, it is you having your experience with them as the thing that caused you to borrow the dress. You wanted to believe your friend, wanted to believe that the words they told you were the truth, wanted to make certain that on both ends, you were both covered. And you did your part – you did exactly what you said you would do, and you loaned your friend that dress, which was one of your most favored ones, and you gave that friend the respect that you have always afforded them.

Then, they did not return the dress. And now you are looking at the dress in its nasty, dirty, stained and B.O. smelling state, and all you can think about at that point and after you have gone through the anger, is why it is that someone you trusted with something so valued by you would return something to you in the shape they did, having the shitty attitude they had, and expecting you to understand why they ended up being the shitty person who they were to you in returning the dress in the manner that they returned it. They gave you every excuse they could, and did not think one moment about why it is that you needed that dress back. You don’t even know why you needed it back, given that you have a closet full of dresses that could be worn to that fancy-shmancy shindig.

The reason…

The reason is simple – we know who we are, and we know that for the most part, we are who we hang with. This lends to the thing that is really bothering me and the thing that is not going to be mentioned here. Those who need to know about the exchange that I am writing about already know.

The reason why it is that anyone will do things in the manner that are less than filled with integrity is because those who are less than filled with integrity are learning that if you operate below the level of the initial exchange, and you operate in the manner that is only about your own self, without regard to what others are also going through, and you choose to do like you have in the past and disregard that perhaps what was needed was that the agreement be seen to and that the transactions be known for what they are, in black and white, so that there is a very high level of clarity.

That anyone will entrust another person with the things that they have to offer and are tangible is one thing, but, to believe that those with whom we make any agreements with are not going to mind very much if we do less than what was agreed to is believing that there truly IS beach-property in Arizona, and that dolphins can be seen frolicking in the dry lakes after a downpour in Death Valley – meaning that you are fooling yourself if you think that the person or persons who you have made any agreements with, even if they are assumed agreements and ones that are clarified at some point, and they are agreements that you looked someone else in the eye and made, and you, yourself, were not in the middle of a pot of shit soup that life threw at you…

…I have beach front property in Kingman, Arizona….

(Ummm…no…no I do not….that would be a lie….I do not lie…)

If you want other people to live up to the standard of integrity that you know you operate at, demand it, even silently. Become that loud voice, the one that rings only in the thoughts and the halls of people who need to feel badly, even though they obviously don’t, for real, about the way that they would assume anyone would be “cool with it” if an agreement has not been kept. Agreements are not only those things that we deal with in business, but also in life. When someone is depending on your integrity to make the words that you speak become the actual truth, it means that they have entrusted you to keep your word and to live up to what you were entrusted with…

…which is not those who you want understanding why it is that you have nothing but excuses (because even silence is very telling), even though you have the means to return a dress, or return borrowed money, but you actually telling them what you think of them, and what you think of you. If you have no issues that are truly pressing right this moment, and you know that you have the means to return the proverbial dress, then fucking do it already…

Your integrity is already showing, because of the silence…

(I really loved that dress…)






We all have the right to do and be lots of things, but the thing that we have the duty to be, most of all, is Strong.

I was compelled just now, by someone close to me, to write another blog for this particular blog this week. The person’s words struck me as unbelievable, because I have not been very strong for some time, or at least I do not feel like I have been.

Apparently,and according to this person who told me this a bit over an hour ago, I am the strongest person alive on the planet right this moment. I guess I have to be, because always it is the mask that I wear, and wear without thinking that I am wearing it. Lots of things in my life, at all times, because of the nature of my work in this world, calls, always, for me to be strong. Yet, there are always going to be those times when even when I think I am being strong, I am being anything but that. One of those times is right this moment, and no, I am not writing this because the person who told me this needs to be told they are wrong. I am writing this because I am compelled by the intense and incredible amount of pain that it seems the collective of human beings on the planet or at least in our personal awareness (that place called our “individual worlds”), are in serious turmoil.

Myself, dearly included…

I am trying very hard to not fall apart, but, part of me knows that things like what has happened, only happen, NOT because there is a reason that does not make sense – but for purposes of learning.

When we are learning, it means that no matter what we do, we are going to toil and toil because when we are learning, it means that there is something that we do not know completely about. Sometimes we learn things that we cannot wrap our heads around. What I have learned at this moment is that my time for the hard lessons have again, started, as though I needed more of them to help me complete this, the thing that I refer to as being my “Ethereal PhD.” Unlike the other one which I am striving toward (although I WILL be happy just being able to teach at the college level…keep reading…), this one is a LOT more hard to get through, because the lessons and the learning come through the thing that we all have in common, at all times – that thing called “Life.” The lesson for me is the loss of being able to do this dance that I love so very much. I love Hula. Unfortunately, for me, at this moment, and perhaps even for some time to come, hula is not mine, at all.

I am learning…and I am not even trying, and that is the hard part of learning anything – most of the time, unless we are game for it, we do not want to learn a thing. We want our lives to be magical, and they typically end up that way once we have decided that the lesson is not as bad as going on with things as they were in the past, where all of our pain lives, and there is no way out of that pain without our learning about why we were in pain. We want them to be that way in the manner that we envision them, our lives. It is fine, even a good thing that we envision them. In fact, we are supposed to, but, we are also supposed to leave open room for us to be able to have what is exactly what we see, or better. The way that we stop the flow of this energy is by refusing to look at things and see them exactly as they are. Whether they are good or bad is up to whoever is looking at it all.

We cannot have anything better if we are not open to the FACT that in order for the better to happen for us, we have to leave that which hurt us so deeply behind. Some of us cannot help but hang on to the things that are back there, in the past, and a lot of the time, what is back there is not that great, and if it is that great, no matter how badly we want to go back there, we can’t. It’s that thing called evolving.

That Thing Called Evolving

To evolve is what we are here to do, no matter how much it hurts us, we must.

If we do not, we are not ever going to know what is ahead of us. We will never know what is in front of us if we are more concerned with what was going on or more along the lines of thinking that we are supposed to still be who we were a long time ago (nope). If I sat in the reality that was mine from 2010 to 2012, I might not be writing this right now. In fact, I might be dead, given all of the horrid things that I did to myself, all so that I would not have to go through the pain that I was experiencing in my life. None of that pain was physical, at least not immediately, and all of that pain brought to me the things that I needed to learn about myself that were things that were not that great.

What I learned about me in that time is that I have to…HAVE TO forgive myself for all of the things that I did not know about but begrudgingly still ended up experiencing, and all of the things that were in store for me that I could not see past right this moment to save my life with….what I ultimately learned is that no matter what we want to do, no matter who we think we are, to anyone at all, but namely to ourselves, is the person who we see, at all times, in our mind’s eyes. The thing about that though is that we have to do the work to get there, good or other than good, to be that person, and lots of us, even me sometimes, do NOT want to do the work.

I harp on doing the work part the most, with anyone at all, because it is that work part of all of this evolution going on that the majority of us does NOT want to have to do. We can see all we want to be, to ourselves, and to anyone else at all, but, what we are not prepared to see is the in between time of it all, the time that it takes for us to wear the changes, changes that we called in to our awareness, and changes that, regardless if we feel like they are needed, regardless of how much it hurts us to go through it all (hey…changing at the soul level is a bitch…I Promise…but, once those changes have occurred, and whether we like to believe it or not – those changes are permanent…because they are the very changes that we have each and all called into being and into our awareness….yup…please keep reading…) are what we have to go through.

This is the Truth – for any one of us to experience any sort of change from the inside, out, we have to be willing to look at all of the ugly things that give us a reason to fear anything, and we have to be willing to accept that this is the thing that is visiting our lives right now for the very and only sole purpose of perpetuating the growth that we, ourselves, have called to our lives. We have to be able to face ourselves, even and especially at all the things that we do not want to look at. It is all there for a reason, with that reason being that the things that present themselves as they will and in the ugly fashion that they typically do are meant to make us see that those very things, even as we may well love them all, are actually hurting us. The things that we state are hurting us are too easy, and sometimes those things are the very things that we know deep within our selves are the things that we most need for our lives and our souls.Ultimately, we figure out that it was never another person who has brought the pain, but our willingness to go through it, hoping we can change anything at all.

The reality is that we cannot change another person. This is the hurt that makes us keep hurting – the thing that eats us…it is the idea that we cannot make other people see who they are for real, because maybe they cannot accept their own goodness, because all of the bad things that they have been, over time, taking in and believing.

Ain’t it a bitch? We want someone – ANYONE – to see our brilliance, and then once they see it, we want to deny it is there. You cannot imagine the pain brought alone by that…this is the thing that a LOT of people take for granted…that maybe those who are telling us that we are every bit as good as we are, we are allowing what the shitty people in our lives, in our past, in our now, to be the presiding thing about us each…what the hell is wrong with us?

I cannot state that I do not freak out the moment my own uglies come creeping up on me, and my own uglies are those things that scare the hell out of me, to the point, at times, of spiritual, emotional and from time to time, specifically in my legs and feet (it’s a Pisces thing) paralyzed. When I am in this mode, I know that my brain has taken over, forgivingly so, and that my brain is telling the rest of me that it is time to just simply put down all of the ugly things that scare me, or more, that I have convinced myself will still end up being the only reality that I will ever know. Since I began this time around at school, I have learned a whole lot about how it is that we allow ourselves to believe the very worst things about us, and we choose to grasp on to the horrid things that others have brought to us, and some of us refuse to see the good that is there, all because we are prone, as humans being human, to want to fight, or run away, or simply just freeze in our tracks, all so that we will not have to experience the pain that we know will surely be ours.

The thing that no one thinks about is the one thing that I have to remind myself of almost everyday – that everything that sucks, even though everything that has sucked has sucked for a very long set of years by this time is temporary. I cannot stress this much enough. I get a lot…a WHOLE LOT of emails, almost daily, asking me if I know when these ugly times will be over, or more, that a lot of people right this moment in time are very dearly angry at the way their hard work has seemed to be the thing that they are wanting to have the tangible reality for, and this is the most understandable thing in the world to me, right in this moment, because of everything that I have experienced in my life to this point from the day after Christmas, 2015. I was told, by many many “experts” in many several different fields of weirdness, that all of this madness would be over with by June.

It is June, and not only is the madness not over with, but because it has lasted this long thus far, it is hard to see anything other than that which we do not have, and it is causing a collectively felt paralysis of the Soul on a global scale.

Paralysis of The Soul

Our is a collective that seems to like being…numbed…or perhaps at least paralyzed to change.

We are told by well meaning people, typically when we are younger, and most of the time through the actions of others,  that things are supposed to go one way and we glue ourselves to that one way.We believe that those who came before us are the ones who had ALL the answers, only to be led down the path to what THEY wanted, instead of what WE have pined for all of our lives. This is the sickness that is global, the very one which was spawned by organized religion, and the one that keeps the masses in control while the rest of the world seeks out its own higher knowledge through means of other peoples’ “for sale” Wisdom. When we choose to sell that which was so freely ours at birth is when all of these things that are meant for our free use so that what we do in this lifetime and is connected to the rest of the planet, will end up ultimately at the pinnacle of what it was that we envisioned but, due to all of the crazy crap going on at this moment and in the global fashion, we are unable to see it all the way that it is not. The only thing that we are seeing right now is how much all of us hurts, badly, and are pining for the way things were.

The way things were is not how they are supposed to be now, now when what is the most crucial thing we are learning is NOT what to do with all of this…shit…we have been handed, but, what we are NOT going to do in terms of what our ego-selves wants us to do, in order that we will survive anything at all. We do not realize what all we are made of until a crisis strikes. It is at that time that we are being our truest selves, because it is at that time that we are not wearing the mask of who we were – we are, in that moment, essentially our true selves. Our true selves will always surface, and we are lucky if others, even if it is only a few others, even only one other, is there to make sure that through it all, we realize that truly, even though things sucked and still suck, we were not ever alone. Somehow, Spirit makes it so that there is at least one person on this planet who gets it, who is patient enough, loving enough, with an open mind and spirit enough, to help make sense of things. When it is that things cannot be made sense of, it is time to look at everything that we have been presented with and ask ourselves what it is that we are learning.

What we are learning is not what we thought we were being taught. Understand now that there is a huge difference between learning and being taught. To learn is a willingness to take in whatever it is that we are given as a lesson. What a LOT of people do not get, in terms of lessons like these ones we are all learning from right now, is that it is easier to learn, because we are given that option to see things as being a learning opportunity, so that we can find the treasures that are buried in the thing that we see only as being the excrement of our lives….than it is to be taught, because being taught means that we are trying hard to not be told what to do, even though Spirit and the world of Spirit does not work that way. Even in our death we are able to feel the way that we did when we hurt in the physical, but, when we are not in our bodies, we are also not able to make the choice to not come back into this lifetime to correct what it is that we did not learn through learning what it is that we resisted.

When we resist, the things that haunt us persist. We are all told, for instance, about this thing called an American Dream and how it is that this particular dream is meant for us all. It isn’t. We do not all dream the same dreams or think the same things, even though we are privy to everything we want, if we are willing to do the work involved, and work that is solely and only for our benefit and brought to us through the challenges that we face in our waking lives.

Again..it is like this thing called an American Dream.

We are told that there is such a thing, and because there is such a thing, we are also all told to chase it. Then the chase ensues, and we are on our way to this thing that we have in our heads that is “ours” or we think it is ours and what happens after the fact is a whole lot of disappointment, and a whole lot of beating the shit out of ourselves, and a whole lot of things happening in the manner that no one could have predicted. (By the way – no one psychic can tell the future, and really, the only thing that anyone like me CAN predict is that there is a propensity towards anything. NO ONE IS 100%…do NOT let anyone lie to you like they know, because they likely don’t know)

No matter what anyone wants to believe, the paralysis in the soul is the thing that causes us to no longer be who we are for real. The paralysis makes things seem a lot uglier than they are, makes us feel it all a LOT deeper than it all really is. Whether I want to believe things are the way that they are and are NOT meant to make things be worse is one thing and is one thing because that one thing MATTERS more than anyone thinks it does.

That one thing is the thing that seems to be eating our lives, and that one thing is the thing that we need to tend to, but it is not the thing that is there that we want to blame it all on. This is our problem as humans – we are not able to see ourselves as being the thing that makes a situation much worse. We are only able to see ourselves as trying to only be the one who makes everything better, the one who everyone will call a “hero” or a “savior” and the one thing that makes us go totally against those things that we are trying to get others to believe but refuse to believe, ourselves. We think we have a grasp on things, but it is the grasp on things that needs to be less strangling than it is being the representative thing we think is helping us NOT to lose more than we have already lost.

Yep, I do know what it is like to have lost every tangible thing that I own, have experienced the idea that I cannot teach hula like I once used to and also that the time that was spent by me as a promoter and marketing agent have been over for a very long time, and the only thing that was left that I had to say goodbye to and that hurt me immensely was part of myself – and part of myself that held onto my hula like I did. I strangled it, made it go away and then when I went to go get it back, my knee decided that I did not need it at that time. Here it is months later and again…my knee…is swollen and ugly and making it hard for me to walk. BUT – I know that I have to walk on it, no matter how painful it is, that I have to use it or most assuredly I will lose it, even though I may have lost my hula, forever.

You can bet that I am upset, but, I have had to practice what it is that I am now learning, literally, in the halls of academia. I have to practice what it is that is so very vital to me, and I have to learn to allow myself to see my hula as something that it has never been for me – a spectator event, unless and until the lessons that I am learning which surround it change. I miss my dance, but I miss walking without pain more. The last time I checked, I need my legs to work properly so that I can get from point A to point B on the very hilly campus that I call school. I have to think what is more important, not only to me, but, ultimately to those who will seek my unique knowledge in terms of what is bothering them, way down deep in the soul, and what it is that they have the option to do about any of it.

We have the option to heal, and we have the option to believe our own selves when we know that there are people in our lives who are there to support us, to be with us, even if from a distance…and it is these people who mean the most to us, even when they piss us off. At this moment in time, I have been taught a lesson in the sanctity of who I am, and in that Divine energy, I find that truly, just as my Maestro has reminded me again and again, it is not my dance that the world wants more of….it is these things called words that are my Divine strength, and these things which live within the soul of us each that need to be expressed and need to be known so that the rest of us who choose NOT to hone their own intuitive skills can at least remember that things that suck are things that we have much to learn from.

The things that we need to learn from are usually things that we did not want to think could or would happen, are the things that we thought we might be able to escape but have found out that we cannot.

I cannot escape, nor deny, that hula, at this time, is an impossibility. I can blame no one but me – not that I injured my knee, but, that I chose to do more with it before it was completely healed than I should have. The injury was brought to me January 2, 2016, the moment that I slipped off of the back of that moving truck and onto my knee, very, very hard. At that moment, the only thing that was my thought was that I would not be able to dance, at least one more time, and that the last time I will dance will be the most important time of all….not only because it is set aside for one special person…

…but because it may well have just become that thing that I have to now see as my Swan song…

Learn well, humans….and know that everything that sucks is meant for us to learn..

…learn about who we are, not only to anyone else, but more than anyone else, to ourselves.





Allowed to Fly

The Mana'o Blog_ Like The Soul Released from its Cage

Every person on this planet has the duty to grow from the inside, out. When we have accepted what is before us, even though we might not like it, it is like we have been allowed to spread our wings and fly

The last year has been a bitch.

All of us has been through a whole lot, and even though it was all harsh, it was all there and in place and took place for all sorts of reasons, with the one most important reason being that when we are in the middle of growing our souls, and we are not aware that this is what is going on, we are more inclined to see the current things happening in our lives as being nothing more than one more thing that we did not need to happen for us.

Yes…for us

For us.

It rarely occurs to others that the throes of things that suck and have visited our lives and seem like they are taking forever to leave our lives has everything to do with the idea that as humans, we have been taught, as well as it is inborn, to hold onto things, even if they are not good for us or no longer hold any purpose for us – we hang on to things in our lives, even the bad things, because those things mean something to us.

They mean something to us for the one reason that no one tends to really and truly think about, and that one thing is that everything that gets in our faces, so to speak, and continues to get in our faces are in our faces because they are showing us something. Typically, what those things are showing us are things that we have not wanted to face, have not completely been able to wrap our heads around. All we can see, and all we can feel, and all that we can understand is that we are at a loss, even though, in many ways, our losses were instead the gains that we have no idea they are. What we are gaining is not just a better understanding of what it is that we have been through and why we have gone through it all, but more, so that we can see, through those things that are no longer there, the thing that has been left there.

We can call it a void, but that is such a negative way of saying that we are taught what we are taught the way that we need to learn it all – Spirit does not make mistakes, she only makes sure that the things we are meant to learn and that are pertinent to the things that we are here and purposed with imparting through our own life’s teachings, we learn. Not everyone is like I am – I LOVE to learn. As sick as it sounds, once it is that a certain harsh lesson has come to me and once it is that I have gone through that lesson, it is not unlike me to revisit, at least in my thoughts, the things that I went through, picking it all apart to find the diamond in the excrement, find the treasure in the proverbial dumpster behind the thrift store.

What learning through doing does for us

I say a whole lot about bravery and how it requires us to be afraid on some level. It is bravery that helps us make choices that otherwise, we would not. It is bravery that allows us to know what is the truth of any situation, and bravery that, within that situation, makes it so that we are more able to see the truth of ourselves. Bravery does NOT require any measure of bravado, because bravado is not the truth – bravado is simply bravado and bravado is the thing that has brought many strong nations to its knees. I am not talking about bravado.

I am talking about knowing that you are scared to death of something that is in the here in now, and knowing that if the choice to not be brave is not there yet, that nothing blocking our path will change, because we have chosen, at that time, to study why it is, through our own self reporting, by journaling or speaking to one’s own self and soul, that we know we are or are not ready, are or are not brave enough to face the demons which live within our own selves. Being brave is very different than wearing a mask of bravado. Bravado is part of the ego’s arsenal, while bravery is born in the Soul. Bravado is the thing that is needed when encountering others who are also wearing that same mask, but for no other reason than that on their part, they need their mask, because their mask hides their fear and their mask makes it easier for anyone at all to “be” brave in the face of anything dangerous to our ego-selves.

Bravery, though, is that thing in our souls that makes us check ourselves, makes us think before we do anything, and bravery is the only thing in this lifetime that makes us have to make a choice – the choice that is on many levels….as Shakespeare asks “To Be, or not To Be?” and in this case it also includes “To Do, or not To Do,” and “To Change, or not To Change…this is the question…” and is the question that we each have been asking ourselves for weeks now, in terms of what it is that we see ahead of us, that we know is there and that we know we will have to work towards having. In those decisions we find that we have already torn apart the answers and the part that we do not understand being why they are the answers. We find that we have been brave simply by choosing to acknowledge that certain shitty things are part of our lives at the present moment. We have acknowledged that there is a part of life right this moment that is daunting, that has the energy of the giant spider that resides in the closet of our memories and sticks like glue next to the monsters and dragons that are there, as well.

Spiders and Dragons and Monsters, oh my !

We all have fears, and some of those fears are produced by this thing that I have been told is called our “cellular knowledge.”

Cellular knowledge, loosely defined, is the thing that makes us have a fearful reaction, or a good reaction, and we do not know why we are having that particular reaction. Basically, this knowledge is housed in our cells, is knowledge, at least to my own understanding and in terms of how it was explained to me by my Auntie Kalei, and of course, Mama No, and then confirmed by my past class in biological psychology as well as my own private research of how the brain does what it does….cellular knowledge is knowledge that is inherited, at the cellular level, and points to our past, even anciently. What we are afraid of and what feels like it is primal and within us is an example of this thing called cellular knowledge.

Our cellular knowledge is where I have found, through researching it, the part of us that is terrified of things that are alive and well within our Twelfth house (astrologically, it is where all of our secrets, all of our fears, all of our karmic lessons “live.”), the part that our ego-self does not want the rest of the world to know exists within us. Many of us only can see it as a harsh challenge overcoming that which is housed within their twelfth houses, particularly if their natal sun (sun sign) is in the 12th house. This does not mean anything other than that these are the lessons which we are here to learn, and this is the karma that needs to be balanced, and now is the lifetime that you have the chance to overcome those fears and to ultimately squish the spiders which live in the closet of our minds.

Unfortunately, most folks don’t do the work, are not interested in changing things that ultimately will be for the betterment of their lives as they once knew it. Sure, the things that are there and are shitty and just do not feel okay are the very things that have come calling on the each of us to stand up and be brave, to look at it all and make sure that whatever it is that seems like it is eating us alive is really only pointing at the thing that we keep on not looking at and that we are terrified to deal with. I know this particular dragon very well. It is the very dragon that has haunted me, with the prodding of the monster that is sitting next to it, that is also pointing at the damned spider that I thought I squished.

What a lot of us are not thinking about is that most of the time, it is in the darkness that these ugly things come to us and scare the hell out of us. When we are children, we are left comforted by a tiny little thing called a night light. Lots of us have a memory of that very night light being the one thing that, in the darkness, only made us more afraid. On the top of things we knew that, because of our cellular knowledge, it is the shadow cast upon the wall in our bedroom that made those monsters and dragons and spiders look so big and scary. We knew they were not the reality, and even if they were, we knew that there was at least a shoe to take care of the spider. Yet, we chose always to stay beneath the covers, not having to look at the landscape that was our bedroom at night, not having to acknowledge that we were very scared of what the shadows on the walls showed us.

Then we got older, and taller, but that little kid who was terrified by those shadows still lives and is alive and well and afraid, dearly afraid, of the shadows that she sees there, ominous and glowering in the darkness and casting onto the walls in the hallways of our minds the evidence of our fears and what it is that keeps us from investigating and finding out the very truth of things.

The very truth of things is that sometimes, it takes a lot of harshness for us to finally want to address things that we have not wanted to, perhaps not for many, many lifetimes. The bottom line is that once it is that we have at the very least acknowledged that something needs our attention, it is at that very moment that we understand one very important thing…

Humans CAN fly….

Humans can fly. Maybe not in the sense that the owl in the photo does, but, none the less, we can and are able to stretch our spiritual wings, able to lift ourselves above any situation, if for nothing more than to just get the view of the truth as it really is at any given time. The truth is, by and large, and for the most part, very ugly. The truths that we love are born of the truths that we cannot bear to look at. The truth of me is that I am terrified of most people, for no other reason than that I have been given the instance, over and over again, of people who are dark in the soul, people who are under the influence of the shadow cast by the demons in the closets of their own existence.

If we realized that we are able to rise above the excrement, that we are given this…bird’s eye-view…of what it is that we are faced with, and if we can simply just tear it all apart, so that we can pinpoint where it is that the terror within us lives, we are able, at that moment to either be brave, or work on becoming brave, so that we can, when the demons rear their heads again, stare them in the face, knowing that the danger they pose is a danger that we have self-imposed on ourselves. This is not saying that no one has a real fear of what it is that we each and all have experienced. It is to say, though, that since it is that we are who give these demons their power, we are also the ones who can destroy them with that same power.

Once it is that we have realized our own power in terms of acknowledging what truths are there, and once it is that we have decided that we will take on our demons, that we will slay our dragons, that we will squish our spiders with the gigantic slippah of the truth, we realize that the monsters that live there are the very sort that Bug Bunny coiffed in so many cartoons.

Let this be the monster who stays….he’s got fabulous hair …and he makes us laugh hysterically, even as at the same time, we are terrified of him.

Our terror keeps us grounded, but, our bravery allows us to fly…

Don’t be so scared of what it is that was placed there, for whatever reason we had when we placed it all there….we placed it there, meaning that we are the only one who has the power to remove it all…

…one spider at a time…one slippah at a time….



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It Scares You, Doesn’t It?


What would you do if challenged to help, for real, using only who you are and what you do? What would you do if you were given the chance to be there, for real, for anyone at all and actually mean it?

We humans like believing that we help everyone we can. While this might be tangibly the truth, what is also the truth is that the underlying energy of the reason why we want to help others is not what we even think about.

The truth is that when we help someone else, we are also helping ourselves.

Work with me for a moment, will you? Let me take you someplace that not a lot of Professional Weirdos are willing to take anyone who ought to want to go to those proverbial places that we all want to visit but are scared to death to do that.

Yes – scared to death. We are terrified of doing right by others, because we do not know how to feel okay with ourselves without also feeling guilty for having felt like that (truth), and on the other side of that, others are scared to help because those others, even while they will not admit it, are doing things solely for the purpose of being thanked and knowing that they were depended on, meaning that to some degree and specifically if they do not realize this, was all about controlling someone else through measures of instilling guilt, shame, self-loathing, into the person who they are claiming they want to help.

And the most …not thought about…part of all of this helping others and the manner which we are doing it, and the reason why we each and all particularly have in terms of helping others. I can say right now that there was a time, a long time ago, that I would help damned nearly anyone who ever came to me for my help. Little did I realize that sometimes, those people were not playing fairly, using my words against others as though that is what my intention was when I began to work with them. When what I told them was used against the person who they were trying to be with, and also worked against these particular clients’ plans other than what I was hoping they would do (which was simply to heal themselves and learn from the harsh things going on in their lives, but they didn’t), I became very upset, to the point of rage. No one needs that.

There were times that I wanted to help them so that they could help me not feel guilty for not putting myself, my beliefs, my values and who I am aside, for not dumbing myself down, for not failing me, but in those times, I reminded myself that being manipulated to help someone else, by that someone else, was not going to help my cause of helping people help themselves be better at being who they really are. I reminded myself that I cannot help everyone, because the truth is that not everyone is able to be helped. You see, that is the part of being able to see one’s own self from a third person point of view – the ability to see where it is that perhaps we might need to work on ourselves. I get a lot of emails asking me about my reasons for doing things for other people and other groups of people, asking me why it is that I do not demand pay for these things from some of these groups, and the truth is that the groups in question are typically not groups of adults, but groups of kids whose parents are not able to help them in the same manner that someone else’s mom whose mission in life is imparting the truth onto the populace.

The only thing that I can say to these and in answer to these questions is because kids need all the help that they can get, because they are kids. I then ask these people if they recall being a kid, at any age, and how at all times they were terrified of everything, and usually I will remind them that the reason they are asking me that specific question is already they are revealing their fear to me. They are revealing that since they do not understand my own reasons as to why I charge certain people a certain rate, and others, I do what I do for the love of my work – that since it is that they would not do the same thing, that they will judge someone like me who has no problem doing what she can with what she has been given if it means that just one more person on this planet learns something.

The reason that anyone is afraid to help is, I think, also rooted in the fear that we will be asked to help others, others who we might not want to help at all, and into play comes that ego-self reaction of feeling obligated to help when really, we might not be able to help someone else, not because we do not want to, but because we are not the right type of healer for them. No one likes letting anyone else down, and really, no one is obligated until and unless they obligate themselves to whatever it is that they have named their cause for the moment. My cause for the moment is, as I have already mentioned, to do what I can with what I have been given so freely, to those who need what I can do…yes, sometimes I do this shit for free. Deal with it.

We have been guilted for generations to help others, ALL others, just because we have been told that we have to do this. No, we do not. You would not help a group of people who form groups of people who seek out the weak and vulnerable among us so that those in that group could further their cause, would you? Of course you wouldn’t. However, you would do something for someone like yourself, someone who you could relate to and someone who you could possibly have a pretty good effect on the lives of both you and the person who you have chosen to help, simply because when we help, we are doing what we are all supposed to be doing with what it is that we do anything at all with. We are not here to be ultra cool and groovy, creating these lives filled with love and wonder, and keeping it all to ourselves, at all. We are not here to decide who is and who is not worthy of our help, for the simple fact that when we need to know, need to learn, need to have that instance of what is part of the purpose we are in this lifetime, and our part in our mission with the tribe of souls on this planet in this lifetime, so that we, through that effort and the use of those gifts, will not only be able to help others who we can help, but more, to teach us the reality that is “judge not, lest first ye shall be judged,” and to also know who are the least of us, who are those who deserve to know what is our inner state of giving, and those who we will learn the very most from, even if we never, ever meet them face to face.

This is what is our collective, global mission – we are in place to be of good service to and for one another, but never to be in servitude, which is what a whole LOT of people feel like they are doing when they are asked to do anything for anyone else. This is not the truth, and no you are not obligated to do anything out of your not wanting to feel guilty. You are not supposed to help if you feel obligated, but go and help anyone who the sacrifice, if that is what you must see it as, will be worth the value of the reward in energy that you, yourself, will create for you, for those others in need. Don’t think of it as being something that you just cannot get into, because service to all of humanity is different than being enslaved by the grind caused by the thing that you have been told all of your life is actual charity. Charity is NOT you giving things and money away for free to strangers (okay, so, technically it is BUT…I think you know what I am saying). but you taking the time to care about other human beings who you are trying to make things a little better for.

It does not make you a patsy, or a sucker, and it does not make you weak. In fact, it makes you very strong to know that on some level, even a tiny little one, you have helped to at least make the thought that you helping is somehow going to score you brownie points with your mother’s god and so that he will not strike you down for not doing what you were told by your unenlightened and controlling pastor who may well be getting a kick back from all of the campaigning that you are doing on behalf of the church he is not giving credit to the congregation for having done a stellar job in terms of caring for the global flock. (Yup, I have issues with church and organized religion…like I make it a secret or something)

I suppose that my point today is that you are meant to help others, without guilt and without feeling guilty if you do not or cannot help with certain others – that is not your fault, and you are not here to save the world. You are here to beautify your world with others like you and who live within that world, for no matter how long a time they are there, so that together, you can, with them, become your purpose, serve your mission with them and with others like them, for a common cause, which typically is not ever a bad cause, really. In my case, it is helping those who are just like me…moms with kids, women who have survived the bad moon rising of domestic violence and emotional abuse, parents who want every kid within their reach to have the best chance at a great life, all created by their own dreams and their own hands….and most of all, those who, by the very grace of the Goddess, have the ability to reach out to the world, to teach it how to live in harmony with itself, to learn to live without apology, and to Love without condition, to live within the bounds of our own personal level and energy of integrity, and to be the shining example of keeping hold and never letting go of each of our own born-into-it Kuleana, our personal responsibility, as handed to us by the Goddess, cultivated within us through the desire to see good in the world as it really is…organic…

….but mostly, to never lose sight of the one thing that should be the prize that all of our eyes are upon, at all times…

…the ability to fully Be Love, and by that measure to Be, In Love… Being, In Love, is not the sort that you might think when you see that term. It is nice to be In Love with one other person who you share so very much in common with (Hi Maestro…Muah). Yet, to Be, In Love, means to always live within a presence of Love within the confines of one’s own life, to Be in the Love that is within one’s own self and for one’s own self, and to know that even when things suck, we have the option to Be, In Love, or to be in turmoil from not ever thinking that the most loving thing that we can ever do for ourselves is to do what we do for those whose mission in life is the same as ours…I just said what it is….I’ll say it again…


Nike says Just do it…

Spirit says Be, In Love…so just do it – Be, In Love…

Big Mahalos for Reading and Sharing…Aloha Kakou…

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#AmberSkinCare #StonekingMusic #SoulSurreal #ArbonneReeniJ

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Consciousness IS Physical

Lightbody Manaoblog june 13 2016

Consciousness has been left to those debating if whether or not our consciousness on the personal and singular level is more than only thought, but also physical, as well.

Believe it or not, I am a skeptic and have always been. This is probably not something that anyone who does not know me very well would know at all – I doubt a LOT of what I am told until what I am told can be proven with facts and even scientific evidence to back it up. I cannot help being this way, because I have always been this way, way deep down in the bones of my soul. However, it does not cross anyone’s mind when they also know that I am a Pisces, because all of us fish live our lives in a bubble of belief that even for all of its bubbly flimsiness, that I am not your typical Pisces. In fact, a whole lot of us fish are not typical human type beings, and really, it is not that hard to figure that much out. What is hard to figure out for some folks is why it is that we tend to feel what it is that literally, we feel.

It is our level of consciousness, really. Every single one of us has a level of consciousness, and all of us has only what is our own awareness to depend on. Awareness is the thing, at the bottom of it all, that I write about, because out of our awareness are born our truths. Our truths are formed by the experiences that we have in terms of what it is that we are aware of in every manner that we can be aware. Awareness is truth.

Awareness is Truth

Our level of awareness of things and of things that we are not able to see with our physical eyes but only sense on the level of the soul is the truth. The level of awareness that we have is absolutely tied to what is our physical reality, including our Selves, but, there is the idea that other people, and in my case, other scientist type people, want the world, or so it seems, to not have our truth as believable by our own Selves. What those guys are not thinking about is the one thing that my English Comp professor told his noon class for the majority of the term.

“Only Awareness is Sacred,” (M. Harper, 2016), because for real, awareness is the truth.

Sometimes, the truth makes us cry, or it makes us mad, and sometimes, that same awareness makes us happy, even if only for a fleeting moment – it is our truth in that moment, the awareness that we are experiencing because the way that we are experiencing it is the way that only we, ourselves, will. Some philosophers want us to believe that we are not more than fancy meat that can think and reason (as taught about the truths of others, philosophically, by  the very lovely Dr.’s Lane…David and Andrea…hi guys), while others believe that we are connected to everything that is in existence (which, we are…particle theory …google it). Regardless of anything, the bottom line, at least in my own thoughts, is that indeed, Consciousness IS Physical.

Consciousness…it’s that thing you’re observing

Well now…this thing called Consciousness is apparently a big fat deal, so long as you know that it is a very personal thing for us each.

Whatever it is that I am physically  aware of, that you also might be physically aware of, is not going to be the same for us each. Unless you are my other half, you are not going to be able to understand the way that I see things, the way that I am consciously aware of things, in and out of my awareness, because the bottom line is that you are not me, I am not you, and we are each given to our own discernment of what is going on outside of us, which affects what is going on in our inner worlds, and that will make that which we see outside of ourselves, singularly, is NOT going to be the same thing. At all.

Something that might make me laugh might also be something that could make another human being cry. Something that might make me hurt for weeks is something that another might not be bothered by at all, and what enrages another might be something that the rest of us can’t figure out why anyone would get that angry about anything for. These are all things that we do not think about – the idea that Consciousness is Physical. I say so because of the following…

When you cry, it is because something made you happy enough or sad enough to have that physical reaction to what was just witnessed. When you are happy and joyful about something, perhaps something that you have been waiting to have happen, and you jump for joy, literally, that is a physical reaction. When you have been proverbially kicked in the head a million times by life, and people do not get it in terms of what you are going through, and you get very angry and end up hurting yourself physically (yet accidentally), the pain that you feel from the thing that happened is real – your pain is physical, as is the pain caused by the anger, thereby making Consciousness PHYSICAL, not just for me, but for everyone on this planet.

Awareness is Physical

I am one of those geeks who likes to think that once it is that she has her proof, that is that, and there is no one who will tell me it is not. When we are aware of anything, we see what we are aware of. Think about the things that you have physically about yourself, and you will know what it is that we are all able to do and more, what we are all able to have awareness of. The body, we all know, does not lie. The very idea that the body as Awareness completely flies in the face of things that state the two – the physical and consciousness – are not able to meet in the middle somehow.

That we are thinking beings (brain=physical) ought to be enough, via the bodily reaction to ALL stimuli (bodily reaction = physical) to show us that the two not only go hand in hand, but are very much not able to happen without each other. This is not my rule, but my observation (because, you know, I have a physical self, just like everyone else on this planet does).

To believe that somehow, that we are thinking beings does not equate to the idea that at the same time, we are also physical beings, is the thing that leaves open this mystery of if we are able to meld the physical to our consciousness. How could we not? How can we each and all just sit here, believing the thing that I deplore the very most – believing that we are not much else than fancy meat that can reason? If this were the very truth, then why is it that when we are emotionally wounded, we feel our tears, which are coming out of our eyes (tear glands in the upper eyelids = physical), and then when they are out of our eyes, they slide silently down our face (facial skin = physical). When we are angry, we don’t even think about it – we blow a fuse (adrenaline, produced by the adrenal medulla in the limbic system of our  brains = physical).

Everything in each of our conscious awareness is there because of our five physical senses. Without those five senses, we are not able to actively feel our lives happening around us, not able to know, through the knowledge and awareness that is the body, what it means to be alive in the sense that we are alive and well and happy to be here. Without our ability to think, we are not able to feel, and if we cannot feel, we have no idea that awareness is the compass that we have that will tell us when to run in fear, stand up and fight, or freeze in our tracks. Without this awareness we are also not aware of things that happen that are not within the body, but that happen to us all in the manner that is our wonder and awe at life as it happens around us, or our ire as life changes into what it is meant to be.

When we choose to be aware, we are also choosing to be in our truth. When we are paying attention to the way that we feel, this is when we are in our truth. When we are being willing to feel everything that we need to feel, even if we do not want to feel it all and all for the sake of learning, we are in our truth. When we are uncomfortable, we are uncomfortable because while it is that we are in our truth, we are also in a truth that does not feel right. None the less – nothing is more sacred than Awareness, because awareness reveals the truth, and the truth is who we each and all are, no matter if it is that the truth we are is the truth that we have to reinvent for ourselves.

If you are aware of your self, then you are living actively in your truth. If you are living in your truth, you are in the consciousness of that truth. If you are in the consciousness of that truth, you are feeling that truth in your soul. If you are feeling that truth in your soul, then your soul is telling that truth to your body, and your body is making you aware that you are consciously living and being within your own truth. If you are living and being within your own truth, you probably don’t get physically ill very often. If you are not getting sick, physically, very often, this means that you are consciously aware of your Self.

If you are consciously aware of your truth, this means that you can feel it bodily, because you are able to respond to your own body’s truths, and since it is that you are able to respond to your own body’s truths, you are consciously living the truth. When you know you are living the truth, your body responds, making you aware through your thoughts, about how well you feel, even though things might not be that great at the moment. It doesn’t matter. You are aware of how you feel and you are able to deal with whatever comes your way. You know that you are able to cry tears when they are most needed and expected, that you are allowed to be angry when the time calls for it, and you know that you are able to laugh at yourself. When you laugh at yourself, you are releasing lots of happy hormones that make you think of things that also make you happy, which lends to the happy in general.

When you are happy, you feel it physically. I have yet to feel sad when I am listening to music that I love with the one person who I love the most who does not call me Mom. I feel it physically, the way that my energy level shifts when we are in each others’ energy, and physically, like right this moment, I can feel the lowered energy of his absence, and even as I know I will see him again very soon, I can still feel myself missing him next to me. I can feel it when he is not around, just as much as I can feel it when something good is happening for him – I can physically feel it. I could feel it when my daughter graduated from high school last week, and felt it when I found out about my passing grade in BioPsych (it was a really challenging class…but I loved it).

All these things have made me sit here and sense my body’s awareness of my consciousness and my thoughts right now.

Apparently, I am a very happy chick….I am smiling, and that is a physical reality caused by an emotional and spiritual inner reality.

Hence, Consciousness is Physical.

Thank you for reading…please share it with your friends !!










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