In Black and White


We all know what we do not want…but…do we know what we DO want?

I am Kahuna.

I will not lie- I have always enjoyed the strange nature of things that go on in the ether, but, for the first part of my life on this planet and in this lifetime, while it was that I was very curious about the weirdness, I was terrified of it at the same time that I was curious about it. The bottom line, all of my life, and even sometimes now, I had a fear, not of going to hell, but of letting my parents -particularly my mother – down.

Fast forward to the Now , and with the help of my Maestro, I realized what I feared was that my mom would so dearly be hurt (which she won’t admit to being but I know that she was), and that she might not love me anymore. I feared that my challenge to what was right and correct and true to her would be what made her not love me. I was terrified that she would judge me for who I am now, for what I like now, for who I Love the most right now…but, that did not happen. What happened was that my mother, in all of her motherliness, actually did what I, myself, have had to do, for what seems like a very long time, but really is not – I did that thing called “accepting my kids for who they truly are,” and nurtured that energy within them.

Essentially, I became the mom I did not have. This is not stating that her as my mother was not the best that I could ever have (because now that I think about it, she was actually trying to protect me. All water signs live through a belief that we have to fear everything…please, keep reading…), because without my mom and all of her religious belief, lots of things that did not happen in my life that could have happened were never realized. What was realized, over time, was that there was nothing that I was taught that was not of some sort of good learning for me.

What I learned was that my mother’s way of love for me was very black and white (and it had to be, because I am, by her own stating so, her “wild child”), was cut to the chase and held no secrecy, at least in terms of the absoluteness that is a mother’s love. What I was shown by the Maestro (as well as my oldest) most recently was that what my mom taught me were the lessons of growing out of those expectations and into my own vision of my life, of what would be contained there, of who would be allowed in it, and how much I was willing to see to it that I would remain who I am – this mom, this “Pineapple,” this Me who is the Me who I love so very much and who my Hanai Ohana would be remiss to know that I chose to change to please other people. I know who matters. If change is required, I will know who is the reason why some changes need to happen for me.

I always felt my mom did not like me as a person. I was wrong. I had felt that way all my life, like if I changed one thing about her conjured version of “me,” that I would lose my mother’s love.

This was, and still is, a primary fear for us all – that our parents will be so disappointed in us and as who we truly are or that we are not doing things their way, that ultimately, we fear losing their love. This does not address the idea that some of us (again, including me), still live in that energy and don’t even know it. The feeling denotes that somewhere within us, we do not have (or think we don’t have) the earliest, most…”spot-welded” moment, where every single one of our sensations, bodily and emotionally, can be recalled, and we can feel everything from that moment as though it were right now. In that moment are snippets and snapshots of it, and of every other one that was also spot-welded in our psyches, that prove through our digging for the truth, that we won’t lose the love of those most important to us and in our lives.

This is the defining moment of who we know as mom or dad and of who they are, specifically and in those roles, in our lives. This is the time that the emotional temperature gauge is set, when we are children, even though we do not realize it. It is also the time in our lives that we, at least in my opinion, have initially brain-mapped ourselves into the energy of the reality, to our little tiny brains, that is “mom” and “dad.” In my life, my recollection of this is so dearly planted, and at times the memories so very painful, and why? Because I could not identify with her role in my life as much as I could my dad’s (he is kind of a brainiac).

I was Daddy’s little princess, and I did not become Mommy’s little girl until I was in 2nd grade. Sure, she might tell you differently, but, this is my remembrance of how it came to be that I would know my mom in her role as mom, and my dad in his role as that person, and how it affects our abilities of communicating what it is that we are trying to utilize in our very most important relationships.

When we are not able to speak our own truths, it is because, I think, of the reward system planted in our heads as children. In my lifetime, as a child, one parent was more encouraging, and the other was the disciplinarian. On the one hand, I was encouraged by both of them to excel in my gifts and talents and the use of them, and on the other hand, I was confused all the time because everything was cause for their God to punish me and that I would end up being sent to hell.

This is how my mother did her mothering for a time – via the fear of God, which I now understand was something that she was able to use as her means of scaring me enough to behave properly (WRONG way to do it, namely if you want your kids to even think to remain with the belief system they grew up with).

I always felt like I was being judged very harshly by her and that most of the time she was picking on me. The realest thing to me then was my own fear of her judgment, but now, I understand that it was not that she was judging me, but that she was still trying hard to get her own parents to at least show her a tiny bit of love that came without condition by trying hard to be the disciplinarian mom (like my grandmother – a Sagittarius – fire, action, catalytic…there is no way my mother, even now, could be a fire sign mom because she is water). She used the phrase “constructive criticism” a lot, which told me that I was a damaged person and would never be right, never be smart enough, good enough, and this equated to my also believing that I had to prove that I was worthy of her SHOW of love.

The way that this always presented itself to me was not what she expected or perhaps had hoped for.I am sure that she thought that what she was doing, because it is how she was shown love by my grandparents (which was without a whole lot of a show of affection…how could they? My Kupuna had six kids!) She did not know until I came around just how difficult it was for her to show affection to others. I am sure that she tried a whole lot to bring herself to that point of that show for me, but, I was not shown this and at a very young age it seemed as though I was more akin to a family pet, perhaps even a show pony. Little did I know or could I have even comprehended that it was not that she did not love me, because I know very well that she did and does. It was that she did not know how to show it properly, and it was because she was not shown it by her own parents the manner that she needed to see it. I know this by her manner of speaking about her own youth, and most of what she says is laden with the energy of discipline as being my grandparents’ ability to love all of their children.

While discipline is a form of Love, it cannot be the only form, because if it is, it will be the only kind that is correct, recognizable and even acceptable.

Think about it.

Love, whether you want to think so or not, is very black and white

Love is black and white.

What I mean by this is that we know when the measure of love that we need is being given to us or withheld from us. What we do not know is the reason why, but, based on how we were each raised will be the way that we form the opinion that will also form the habit which typically happens that represents the energy that we have been presented with as or not as “Love.”

We are rarely truly clear on things. We don’t want other people to hurt, and we also do not want to hurt. We try so very hard to not hurt them by censoring ourselves when we think we need to, and then when it all comes down to the nitty gritty, and we are each in that mode of guardedness, we find ourselves right back at square one, right back to that place where there is confusion, where there is miscommunication, where the hurt is contained.

We also and dearly, the very each of us, cannot believe that anyone else truly and absolutely Loves us. After we have confirmation of this one thing, lots of folks try to find a flaw in it, try to find where it is that we are going to screw things up, where they might not love us anymore because they found out that we are not perfect, that we are merely humans, and that truly, we are as much an imperfect creature as anyone else would be. When it is truly that other people are seeing us, and we are seeing them through the eyes of Love, we are able, NOT to look past the things intentionally done to cause harm, but, instead, to see the truth of them in black and white.

And indeed..inherently and embedded in all Human Beings is this capacity to Love, in black and white, without any bullshit. This is when it is the real thing.

The Truth of Others, in black and white

Our perception of others is based on the things that we have experienced with them, through them.

When we feel a little bit of reservation about people (which, make no mistake, we always do all the time, where strangers and those who have hurt us in the past are concerned), we are, without realizing so, prompting ourselves to seek further answers, to look for a different truth that matches what it is that we are believing.

When we cannot make sense of the truth that we are experiencing (and not one of us has the right to call someone else’s truth about themselves or their experiences “wrong” just because it is not the same as ours is…please – keep reading…) and we are not able to grasp why it is that we are going through something, you can bet that the black and white energy of that situation is going to make itself known to you. This is not my rule. This is the rule of reciprocation, the rule that could be thought of as a transaction, like when you go to the grocery store and you exchange money for goods.

It is this same sort of energy tangibly, but different, because the exchange is ethereal energy rather than tangible things.

That is also where we end up a little bit confused – the idea that we are able to exchange energies, even across great distances. We are able to hone in on the truth of others, if it is that we are particularly close to those others. It is not something that can be avoided, really, if it is that we are that close in energies. It is actually a gift, our abilities towards knowing when those within our Hanai Ohana are hurting, are in turmoil, are in need of some sort of special, loving energy. This output of energies is also the thing that we can learn to utilize in terms of when to just maintain our distance so that our loved ones can recharge themselves (solitude – we all need it from time to time). We all have that need – to recharge. When those closest to us request, whether they do so kindly or sharply, a need for solitude, it is wise to honor it.

It is wise to honor their need in that time for one reason – they have been black and white, most likely, and most likely when they have not been, it is because they do not realize that this is their desire. In black and white terms, we all are in need of this sort of thing, and when we are not given this we lash out and we make things difficult, but mostly for ourselves where they are concerned.

What is also black and white but not quite something that we think about in terms of other people, is the sensations bodily that we feel when we are not sure of the answers that someone else is giving us in terms of who they are in relation to us and our energies. This is when what comes out of our mouth might or might not be believable, and it is not them perceiving what we are saying incorrectly, but our own cue as to us having to learn to discern what is our energy versus what is someone else’s.

When we are particularly close to one other person, as is the case between myself and my other half, it can be confusing in that we cannot discern between what is our own versus what is the others’ and sometimes, it is neither. Sometimes, the things that we feel and sense are the cues coming from the ether, from that place in the cosmos that reaches into our psyche and shows us what we are made of. It is that place that tells us when we are in need of repair, or in need of repairing something that we have done that caused damage to another person. It is within our own symbolism of the visions that we all end up having, the very ones that look like a memory that we would rather not look at again which holds the key to healing that part of our selves, and ultimately our lives. Without this sort of awareness, we float in the sea of confusion until we have created a means by which we are able to, through our own symbolism, understand what it is that we are receiving as a message from the Universe.

Usually the messages from the Universe, while they might scare us, they serve a purpose. That purpose is, through a process of thought born in the brain (and in the case of ANY human female – it is called Critical Thinking…bear it, ladies – we are not biologically able to think in a logical manner. We are emotional beings. Prove me wrong….but I am betting you won’t be able…don’t get ass hurt. Just deal with it and learn about how to think critically. I’ll teach you….) and is totally our own creation, so that we can understand that Love is black and white, on all levels, and that no matter what, we are not able to change it because it has to be allowed to grow.

Once we have looked at the black and the white, we will find there inside of that energy, the truth that is there and is ours.

Truth, while it is ever changing, is also static until we have created better and more believable truths, and truths which feel good and not like we are somehow the world’s biggest fool for wanting to simply just be who we are, truthfully, in black and white….

Where is it in your own life, and in your own thoughts, that you are not practicing the black and white nature of Self-Love and Self-Care, the sort that makes each and every one of us pause for thought, and not pausing for thought of the detrimental sort (we beat the shit out of ourselves over the good opinions of other people, all the time), but pause for thought that has become the truth that we are unaware of as being our own, created through our own means and measure, and the very truth that we do not realize til right this moment that we have been living in.

Please believe your own good, black and white, loving truth about you.

And think, too, about the answer to this question – is your truth about yourself the truth, period? If it is not, can you think of what it is that would make you believe what is someone else’s worn out and outdated truth, perhaps even of the you that you once were?









A mad, mad world (literally)

The world that seems mad_ManaO.jpg

The world seems like it is pissed off….that’s because it is.

“…their tears are filling up their glasses…” (Tears for Fears, Mad World)

I had a horrible nightmare.

It could not have lasted very long, given the time that I fell asleep, to the time that I was jarred from the…very tumultuous slumber…that I’d barely been able to grasp onto, given where it is that I lay my head at night.

I say a whole lot about symbolism, about how it is that these things play out in the manner that they play out, whether it is in dreaming or wakefulness. When we dream, we are being told something by our Higher Selves. When I was told, through that dream, the message that I had received at that time, I panicked, because the last thing that I ever like to know, let alone do, is hurt someone who I care deeply about. I am sure that that has not happened, and I am more sure that right this moment, as I write this and as the messages come through to me very loudly and clearly, it is not that I hurt anyone at all, but that I was feeling the deep hurt, anger and resentment of the very entirety of mankind.



I had this nightmare, and at first I thought it was because of something that I had said, then it was something that I thought that I did not DO. I went to my class this morning, confused and terrified, and the terror came from not knowing what it was that the nightmare was telling me. The visual that I got was that my entire world was very, very angry with me. When I thought about it, did some very quick research about it, I found out that what I wrote to and for someone who is very important  to me was NOT the reason why I felt the way that I felt this morning.

In fact, the reason that I felt the way that I did, and the reason as to why it is that right now, I can sit here and write this and not feel like I am somehow out of my damned mind for doing so, is because I was able to stop myself from getting too far into the thoughts that typically will wreck me. Typically it will be a few hours, if not an entire day, before I will be able to trust what it is that I am sensing as not being anything that I have done directly to anyone else at all, and more, usually is NOT what I initially “see” no matter how the vision comes to me.

If those reading this knew exactly how much Astrology I have studied in the last ten years, those who know me and know me well also know that if anyone can trust her abilities, it is me. The reason why it feels like I can’t is not because of me or anyone else in my life. It is because this is what is happening on a global level, and also that this is all meant, via the Plutonian energies in Virgo right now. Not only that, but, if you understood what I very dearly recently only learned, you would know that now is not the time to panic (which I did) and that now is not the time to be afraid (which, I cannot lie – I am terrified of lots of things), but that now is the time that we have to grab hold of our fears and make them work for us toward our ultimate life. We cannot see the gifts already afforded with the losses, and I am not here to tell anyone what those gifts are unless they are being used as an example to clarify, with tangible means, what I am trying to get across.

What I am trying to get across is that truly, the entirety of humankind, on the very global, very media driven, all the way to the very personal, very private level, is that we are all angry with everything right now. We are mad because it seems like we cannot get ahead, but what we are not, at least I know I was not, this morning, paying attention to is that there are going to be things that will tell us, maybe not outright, what it is that we are truly pining for.

Had I thought about it in this manner, that what it is that I have always pined for is being built by me and with one person in particular, I might not have had a very human being type moment. Indeed, panic is born from lots of negative energies, spawned from lots of negative life experiences. The thing that we are all feeling and sensing right now is exactly this energy – we are tired of feeling upset, of crying, of all those things that we have done, consistently, since very late in 2006. If it were any indicator or if it helps any one of us at all, think about all this bullshit this way – right now is a very 12th house kind of energy, at least in my opinion. Pain comes from our past. Our past is where all of our karma is created, and in order to get past the pain, we have to balance the Karma. If we don’t balance the Karma, we end up embroiled in a loop that rather than it loosening up for us, gets tightly wound around us, creating this energy that is angry, and angry like an angry child who does not get what they want and chooses to make a scene in a very busy grocery store during the busiest time of the day.

Indeed…every one of us is past angry…we are pissed…as well we ought to be

The Whole World Gone Mad


The world is mad.

We are all pissed off right now.

My own symbolism messed with my head through that nightmare. In it a very important person (“the whole world”) was very, dearly angry with me (gone mad), and I could not figure out why.

It jolted me out of what was not a really great sleep to begin with, and made me stay awake all this time, just so that I could ask myself a lot of very important questions, and the answers told me to think critically and to be inside of that energy for a moment, so that I could sense and feel what it is that was actually hurting me, actually scaring me and was not scary, at all. If anything, now that I can sort of think clearly about it, it was a confirmation, was something that I likely am learning to do more with at this time, given that I am growing, along with my other half, at what seems a lightning pace.

At the same time, things seem to be crawling at a snail’s pace….and not just any snail, but one whose shell is too big for its tiny little body….now, imagine the energy that this current snail’s pace is happening for us all, and you will also have the reason why you feel like you feel, right now. (Okay, not all of us…but a very HUGE global majority of us).

It is not the snail’s pace, neither the shell that is too big, but rather and all, on the collective level, we are growing at a lightning pace, all while it seems like everything else in the world is not. We are growing impatient, and we are very aware of our own shortcomings, and in this energy, we are also very patently and dearly aware of our own lessons and just how much of what we have gone through thus far has affected not only ourselves, but those closest to us, as well, and not a whole lot of it is that good. There have been snippets of things that would allow us to relax into the moment, but, we all must agree that it truly, for the last three to four years, has only been in the very moment.

Yet, the  moments…they are what we each and all live for right now, and while it is a beautiful thing, all of this stuff we are doing on the soul level, there is still the matter of what the hell we are going to do with this ugly, nasty, taking forever to heal itself physical level. The physical level is not the same thing that we want to believe it is or that we see it as. It is merely the manifestation of the things that we have been through and that a lot of it needs to be made new. Some of the things that we see happening is happening at what is not our own choice, or happens at the wrongest of times, or both, all at the same time. This only points to the fact that it is our souls which are dearly in the lead right now, because the soul knows, absolutely, what it is doing, and it also knows that at the tangible level, we are living out the energy of the Master Number 22 – that of the builder.

As the builders, we have to think of the things that we are evolving away from to be the destruction of the …nasty habits and ways of being… that we are born with in the South Node of our charts. We are both the destroyers of the old ways of thinking and being, and at the same time, we are also building what is the future with those who are most like us in thought and being because those who are most like us are also on the same mission that we are. We are here to rebuild consciousness, and consciousness is not anything to trifle with, even though, at the same time, it remains at our will in terms of how we perceive everything in our lives right this moment that is hard to digest and easy to just turn a blind eye to.

And turning a blind eye to it all will not change a thing, and if we opt to not change and try to go back and stay in the energies of the South Node, then we will continually live out the Karma that we were sent to this lifetime to balance. Had I thought about this earlier, I might not have had the panic attack that I had, and I might not have started my day off at 3 A.M. I might have been able to see things in a different light. I might have known or at least figured out that as the collective of souls elevates higher and higher, the gifts and traits that are good within us each and that have caused us a lot of pain by their not being expressed in the manner that is the (or at least with the help of) both Nodes.

One Node is for reference, is for seeing where we have been, who we have been, what we have done, how we got there and why it hurt…and the North Node is the place that we, as a soul, aspire to. For some of us this means a whole lot, and for all of this, it means that we have this little glimpse into our own selves and into the future that unless we know it is there and is for this purpose, we will continue in this endless loop of uncertainty, in this maddening dance with the devil we call our past inclinations.

We know that the South Node is our Karmic lesson…meaning that the North Node is where our Dharma, or the reward, is at. Once it is that we learn this much, and once it is that we learn that it is not a bad thing to grow, everything begins to lighten up some. The trick? Where it is that we might believe that we have to become that North Node sign, instead, what we really have to do is integrate those good qualities, of both North and South, using more of the South to push us toward the higher octave of the North ….the beauty and harmony provided by the things that we strive for, aspire to, want to live in, at least in part.

Where it is in my life that I am growing is where I ought to be growing, which is in my North Node in Pisces. Right now, the nodes are North Node in Virgo, and South Node in Pisces.

This is a balancing act for me, to cut through the bullshit and see ,as typically I am able to except for this morning when I failed to remember that I am learning my own symbolism and sharpening it. That I panicked is a South Node Pisces thing (remember that I am a North Node Pisces), but, that I was able, because I just kept telling myself that I am not used to all this…balance of energies…was all due to the North, collectively, in Virgo, and the South, collectively, in Pisces.

With my North in Pisces, and South in Virgo, it makes sense that, of all of the people who I know and who are living through the energies of the North and South Nodes, I am meant to integrate what is my Neptunian knowledge with what is the collectively felt energy of the Virgo North alongside my natal (at birth) Pisces (which is my sun in the 8th house…meaning that everything that is changing for me, personally, in terms of what these two places, signs and energies means – typically my working life and how I fit into it), and understand that, until the nodes change again, the thing that I have to work towards is to combine what is felt in my body (earth = Virgo) via the Divine messages in my soul-mind (Pisces) and help those two energies get along well enough to help me get to where it is that I am going on my Path.

A Tug of War

The North and South Nodes are like a spiritual and “personality” game of tug of war.

We can hang tightly on to the things that we have held onto for so long, just because we are very good at those things, or because we have had a lot of good memories or perhaps the person who we used to be has evolved into the person who we now are and now do not know how to live as. This is the reason why the nodes move slowly (retrograde) because the things that we have known and attached ourselves to as our current Self needs time, namely if it is a thing that has been going on for as long and far back as we can each recall, to grow into the evolutionary changes that have already taken place and that are already making us feel like Spirit can’t stand us and that we are Spirit’s step-children.

Yet this is not the case, this…step-child thing (step kids are cool, some of them are), and as of this morning, it is also not the only way that I am interpreting this energy. Where it was that I believed that I might have written something egregiously wrong, it was, instead, my not seeing, through the nightmare, that my symbols of interpretation are getting a bit more vivid and complex for me, and how…ridiculous is it that topically the only thing that I could do was panic? Throw into the mix that this is finals week at school, that there are a lot of horrid things going on in my world apart from my other half that make me want to do like always and run into my safe place and cry like a scared little turd, and you will have the perfect recipe for someone like me to panic and to do so at a phenomenal rate of energy. The thing that I have to be most grateful for is the idea that when I am panicking, I am unable to think clearly…but this time?

I did what I do when I need a question answered, or I have happened upon something very cool and very, very…almost calming…I write it out.

I write it out so that I can see what it is that I am feeling (Virgo) in the emotional and psychic sense (Pisces). When I allowed my South Node to scrutinize my words (Virgo and Pisces are both very good as researchers), and my words are always typically very poetic, very easily understood (Pisces is the artist…Virgo, the word smith or the librarian who needs perfect order and things absolutely alphabetically arranged according to height, color, width…bleh…who fucking needs THAT shit?…Pisces in 3rd house = very easily written communication that is hopefully well understood universally on the spiritual level), I began to also allow my thoughts to expand to the logical thinking of my other half – The Maestro, with my education in behavioral science, and then, as always, when I could not come to an easy conclusion, I did what I am most noted for – I asked Spirit to help me.

So She did….

You are reading it now…






There are a whole lot of us on this planet who feel things deeper than most. We are those who seem to attract the very worst situations as well as people of the shittiest sort to our life, but for no other reason than that we are capable of dealing with things that others seem unable to.


What a statement that introduction is, right? (Right).

This typically means that this particular writing will be very…very…in some parts…VULGAR…in terms of the presentation that you each and all will be “hit” with, so to speak. And I am saying it right now, that I will make no apologies to anyone who thinks that I am speaking directly to and at them…I probably am doing exactly that.

I guess that I am sort of lucky that until now, I have had to simply deal with this last week’s harshness alone, but not. It is not a mistake that when we cannot get in touch with others within our hanai ohana, namely those who we need to reach out to and who have, in the past, reached out to us when they needed someone just to simply listen…we are being told, right then, to think about why it is that we are going through what it is that we are.

In my case, I know it has a lot to do with my …growing ability…to turn my healer’s back on people who I just cannot tolerate in terms of helping them to heal themselves. The issue, by the way, is not ours – it is theirs and they have made it ours for a long time. What a buncha SHIT !

Perhaps it is not the right way to start this writing off, because the reality is not that I need to write about more stuff that is already saturating us all the time in terms of who is, and who is not, an Empath. I know that I am an Empath. I know that those who are closest to me are also this same thing. I know that there are things that I am able to discern from what seems to be nothing, and I know that a lot of what it is that I will feel and sense will not be of the greatest, nor happiest vibration.

I know that there are people who we share the air with, and more than that, people who our daily lives are impacted by in terms of our abilities, and typically, those people are the worst people for anyone with a sharp sense of knowing, at all times, and feeling, at all times, and being very sensitive to the energies of others, most of the time, and for the most part, in the easiest language that my brain is able, at this point in time in my life as an academic, as a writer, as a human being, can conjure – people are shitty, and people do shitty things. Shitty people do shitty things.

Shitty People do Shitty Things

I was trying to clean up my language with my blogs, but what the fuck for? So people without the right to judge me for who I am, for who anyone is, can feel like they have had some modicum of control over my thoughts? Why should I not be me, and why is it that anyone at all believes that they…they who are not me, who are not others like me….who the hell is anyone else to try hard to fuck with people about who they truly are on the inside? Who is anyone to tell me that they would read what I write if I chose to not write the words “shitty,” “fuck,” “god damned,” “mother fucker,” as well as a whole host of other apparently, to some, very offensive language?

Does it occur to those who are offended by me, by my words, my anything…me who has a huge heart and a lot of soul, and me who is unconditional in her manner of being able to pinpoint what is the collective energies of the planet on any given day of the week…does it fucking occur to anyone at all that the more you tell me, or people like me, that we are offending others, or that we are offensive, period, that that alone puts YOU in the area of being an offensive prick?  It makes you an offensive prick because you are telling people like me that when we are being ourselves, we are offending you, because we happen to not clean up our language for your eyes to not read. I am sorry, but if this is you, I am NOT writing this to please YOU. I am writing this because this is what Kahuna folks do – we fucking orate, and we write, and we know the god damned power of words,  and to those of you who are offended by it?

Get over it -it does not occur to you that perhaps your phoniness in terms of proper behavior from other humans might be the thing that people like me are pointing out in you. It might not occur to you that people like me do like we do and say what we do, NOT because we have some sort of mental …problem….but, because we are always being called offensive, always being called and told that we are too sensitive and that we need to “suck it up, buttercup….”

How the fuck about FUCK YOU? How about knock your sorry shit off, and how about YOU just don’t fuck with sensitive people with your bullying tactics? What the fuck is wrong with me? NOT A GOD DAMNED THING…keep fucking reading…

I am not too sensitive – you are an asshole.

People like me are not in need of being told again and again that we are who is fucked up. It does not occur to others who have no intention of being anything like the person who you are supposed to be right now is trying hard to come out, and it is people like me – the ones who you bully mercilessly, and the ones who you call “paranoid,” “insane,” and “unstable,” and are the ones who literally feel your truth – the very truth you deny.

Your truth is why you bully others, and your truth is the truth that you cannot face, even as your truth is the thing that is screaming at you from those who are just like me…me who is empathetic, and me who is no longer taking anyone’s shit. Your truth is what you deny, and in response to that, you and others like you want me and others like me to deny our truths. We cannot do that. We will not do that, at least not anymore, and not for a bunch of entitled fucks who believe their own bullshit and then carry that bullshit out onto the world as though it is your fucking right to be an asshole, just because that is how you roll, and just because that happens to be the only strength you think you have.

You like to bully people, and you have turned a fucking dear weakness into a strength that is only topical – meaning that it is only on the top of things where the audience you seek can see it, where the people who you have drawn to you so that you can siphon the good energies from others through your pretend bullshit which usually comes across as you needing sympathy rather than you accepting being kicked in the face by the Goddess you seem to think does not exist and is the same Goddess that you chase your phony God or your phony …anything that you worship-usually your self – on. You are not impressive, and I am tired of your shit. I am more tired of carrying your heavy energy and made sick by the idea that you – EVERY LAST FUCKING ONE OF YOU – have this image of yourself as being the victim in all of your dramas.

Guess what? You’re right….you victimize others to feel superior, but you want to be the highest of the lowest, which is fine because that is where you belong – with those who believe the idea that in order to be good enough or strong enough, you have to have someone else who can be pointed at, who can be called the one who brought you the pain. It is not me or anyone like me who has brought these things to you. They have always been there. The thing that me and others like me actually do is bring out the worst in you so that you can see it, and you can try not to fail to it. But you always do.

It takes so little to be a thinking and feeling and a real person, but you opt for the fake because the fake allows you to fool those who trade their souls to become your follower, your henchman, your apath…and eventually even those who would be your minions fade away from your life.

The only thing that is left for those of us who are Empathetic and in this energy is the very real feeling of being no longer in the presence of people who abuse with impunity, who do not realize that they are doing it and that when they are doing it they are showing us all every bit of every thing that has happened to them and that they have denied being the truth that needs to be healed.

We are tired of your shit, guys…

I am not alone in this feeling and this energy that is screaming “hey man FUCK YOU…”

What No One Realizes…

This is what no one realizes about people with a superior sense of empathy – those who are strong empathetically can see right through the lies, right through the things that people who sense (but pass the senses off as though they are wrong) can see through, and the impossible thing about it all is that those who sense can do nothing about the fact that we not only draw those who are exactly like us to us (in the sense that is partnerships and hanai ohana= soul tribe) what we sense, and right through the bullshit that we have been fed for a very long period in our lives by those who are there for us to work through the bullshit that we have had handed to us over the course of our lives. 

And again…I must defer, sort of , to how it is that we are each and all raised. I make a joke, everyday just about, on one of my social networks, regarding something that I referred to for some time as “old people theater.” It is not about old people going to the theater, but the old people who I spend much time with. While it is that I understand that these are people who grew up in a different time, where different things applied, I find most revealing the idea that the things that I hear smack loudly of the kind of upbringing they’d had.

On one end, there is the absoluteness of being a child watching one’s parent abuse the other parent.

On the other hand, there is the child who was made afraid, not only to disobey, but more, to disappoint.

Then there is me, the one who is still soothing the child within, the very one who, from the time that I was physically a child, has been mostly a witness to as well as the person being treated improperly. I cannot change others, but I can change my thoughts about what it is that has been part of my life, for the whole of my life, by two people who, themselves, have never healed from the pain of the abuses they were told was actually discipline. I am sorry but, ALL HAWAIIANS need to ACCEPT – it was abuse, and you are each and all still reeling from it all.

Rather than listen to what is not being said, by anyone at all, some of you say it is not going to work, and the others do not trust what is said and what is the antidote for the things that ail us all in the soul.

And all this  does is perpetuate within me, these things called self-doubt, self-loathing, an energy of not being able to trust me and what I know as being my truth.

Maestro would never lie to me about the things that he sees in me that I need to work on, and neither does Amber, or Gator, or Mama No…as well as my good friend Bobby. It is not apparent to me that I need to remember not only who I am, every time it is that someone purposely harms me emotionally,  but also what I am – which is an Empath.

Because I am an Empath

Because I am an Empath, I feel things lots deeper than most, and more, I feel things that others feel, even when those others are not realizing that they are reacting to the energies that they feel within them. Because I am an Empath, and more, a water sign (most empathetic of all the water signs is the Pisces….ugh…Dannie, Greg….Jeremy…OMFG…I am right, right? I am not the only one feeling the bullshit of the entirety of mankind, right? Even though that entirety might only be the circle of souls I am the closest with….ugh…like birds of a feather…fish in the same school – this would be us..ALL of us ) I tend to confuse whose energies I am feeling most, and more, whose energies are false ones and being used by others to cover up their own pain.

In these energies are where the things which live within me (which I am no longer going to allow it, even though it is there…I can turn it into something else…I will figure it out because I always do) come out, and in these energies is where it is contained, every little hurt that I have ever had to feel and every little bit of bullshit that others have handed to me that apparently they could not handle – so they give it to others in the form of bullying and in the form of having doubts about themselves, which automatically makes a bully assume that we have these same doubts. Of course we do, but we are not going to hand them off to someone else to deal with.

They are ours to work with, but, at the same time, it is not anyone else’s right or business or duty to point out what they perceive as being someone else having flaws. The one thing that tires an Empath out the most is carrying the weight of people who do not bother to acknowledge who they are for real. People would feel so much better and lighter if they would just try harder to carry their own weight rather than placing it onto others in the form of belittlement, the form of berating, the form of bullying, the form of dismissing and not truly understanding the depths of the emotional soul.

When it comes to things that harm other people, and those people bring it to your attention, it is not a choice that you get to make in terms of who it is that you are trying to prove anything to. It does not matter what you know better or more of, and really, the things that you are fighting with others over are the things that re important to you. What makes you believe that the things that are important to others are not important, period? What makes you think that what it is that you have to say to anyone at all is somehow open to your own inability to see past what you prefer rather than what is needed by anyone else?

There is a horrid, collective mana, an energy that too many people have right now and an energy that makes anyone at all believe that somehow, things that bother them and that other people have to say are the things that others will not be affected by if you are not careful with how you present things to anyone at all. That something bothers you is one thing, but that you will continue to make light of things that bother someone else and make those things not be as important to you as they are to someone else, it only tells a person that you are just as …arrogant…as anyone else is, because in not accommodating anyone, and making those people pretty much beg for you to just simply not fuck with them in the manner that you have stated you will continue to, you are not being a healer – in fact, you are being the asshole that I am believing that you have always been, just older and more able to prettily call someone else stupid.

The only stupidity is not seeing the value in a person who is there and asking you nicely to knock your shit off.

Your refusal to do so makes you not only a bully, but a fucking phony.

Yeah bitches..I fucking said it, so, perhaps about this time is when you ought to realize you are not fucking perfect or better than anyone, and mother fucking deal with it






HANAI – No One Gets Left Behind

Ohana Mana'o Blog Lilo And Stitch

In our lives we go through a lot, mostly to know where we are in our own lives and more importantly, who is traveling with us.

…”‘Ohana” means “family.” “Family” means “no one gets left behind.” But if you want to leave, you can. I’ll remember you though…” (Lilo Pelekai, Disney’s ‘Lilo and Stitch)


The importance of the people in our lives boils down to NOT what someone, anyone, is willing to do on our behalf, but down to who is always going to be there, even when things are awful. We learn about the things that are most important to us via the things that we go through that call for us to let go of things and ways of being, rather than sacrificing them, because sacrificing anything means that we have to have control of the way someone else feels about what it is that we have or have not done for them or on their behalf, with little hope that the energy will be reciprocated. By “sacrificing,” what I am saying is that there are people who we have known, the each of us, for the entirety of our lives, and in order to be “loved” and accepted by them, we have to sacrifice little pieces of ourselves, meaning that we are not the whole of our Selves, at all, and it is all because we believe that they need to love us, and worse, we actually believe that we need their kind of Love.

Most of the time, we know when and where we are being accepted by those who we most love to be with, by those who we love the very most, and those who we trust very dearly with our selves and our lives. This is who we are, we human beings – we are the people who need one another, and the people who, for all it is worth, meant to be with one another, specifically with those who are most like us.

Those who are most like us

There are several different schools of thought, many different theories and views about what is and what is not family, and what is and what is not a community, and what is and what is not one’s own ethnic values system.

Your Ethnic Values System  is NOT the same as a cultural one, because when it all comes down to the end of the thoughts we think, an ethnic values system can be thought of as being the way that you think and behave according to your locality. I am in Southern California, and this means that my ethnic values are combined with my cultural ones and voila – you have this version of a human being who is the Los Angeles Kahuna. You have this person who is tied to the shared past she has with others who also ancestrally hail from the islands known as Hawai’i, and this person who was born and raised in Los Angeles, with a ton of other people who are not like her, but just like her in that we are all one ohana. All one human family.

It might be a cultural thing, though, in some cases, that we are expected to not get along, expected to hate, for no other reason than that it is a cultural thing. When we fail to what is the past, and we carry on those traditions of hatred and ignorance, all for the sake of not having to uncover and deal with our own feelings of collective inferiority, not only are we failing in and with who we are, but more, we are allowing someone else’s issues to be our issues and allowing those others to have a tiny bit of control, not over our lives, but, over who we are to ourselves in terms of how we feel about us.

How we feel about us

We are taught how we are supposed to feel about ourselves from the people who are within the boundaries of our lives. We are taught who we are to them from a very young age, and we are shown how to behave in terms of what is expected of us.

The issues arise, though, when we are shown and taught, but are not seeing a good enough example of what is expected of us. This is where we are first shown how to be dishonest with ourselves about who we are. Other people, no matter what they say is their reason for anything, are going to damage us. We cannot make it not happen, and we are not able to stop other people – it happens and is a part of life that is unavoidable unless we are able to come away from that which we have been told is our truth according to anyone else at all. The most that we are able to do when it comes to our not being able to stop certain others from harming us emotionally is to simply just no longer be around them. In terms of our blood relations when we are children, this is a problem. Our parents tell us that they used to get along with their cousins, but they do not tell us that there were certain ones who they used to despise or that the feeling was very mutual. Still, even though we tried very dearly to not act on what we were feeling, it was hard on our little souls to fake liking someone else just because it was expected that we did.

A person may have lost what they have considered their life for the majority of it, as I am finding out right now with this injury that is more of an emotional bother than an actual physical one. We can work our lives long towards one thing, only to have it be that very suddenly and without warning, that one thing can change, and when it happens, we are lost and have no idea of what we can do about the thing that we perceive as a loss. The reason that we will see it as a loss is because it was something that we felt defined who we were and are. When I was growing up, I was told that I was a phenomenal dancer, that I was bright and bubbly and all of those other wonderful things that the word “dancer” has always had attached to it.

However, just as there is this…energy…within me, which is the very same feeling and energy that has always been there, for the entirety of my life on this planet and an energy that does not stop me from loving being that same dancer. The energy is still there, even though the knee is still healing. I write a lot about my dancing, and about why it is that I dance, but I do not go on to tell a person that within my Ohana, it is the thing that most know me for, and is the thing that is the essence that is Me. This is not to say that my Hanai (adopted) Ohana has seen my Dance at anytime in the recent past of our shared memories, but it is to say that those who know me best, know this as my essence and my energy, and those who see me most often can tell that this is my Soul coming through to them, that the reason that it seems that I can navigate through any chaos, either tangibly or in the realm of the mind, is because I have spent my life, even as I realize it now, living to a count of 8. 

Without this recollection of who I am, a lot of people would not know that this is me, that those who know me best and most are the ones who I consider my family, my ohana, regardless if whether or not there is blood, there is Aloha...and within the unit of the ohana, blood is less important than heart, soul, and Love.

While this is the very truth, what is also the very truth is that the Love that we have for our families is the love that we have for the family that we create, and the family we create might not be the one that we physically create in the biological sense, but, is the one that we create that we know we are an important part of. Without our own presence in that familial bond, and without the presence of those closest to us, we really haven’t the tiniest clue of what it means to be Ohana in the manner that is not blood, not DNA, not a same Grandmother, but, the kind that is nurtured through the ties that bind us willingly to these others who we feel as though they indeed were placed in our lives so that we would each and all know this reality called Ohana.

Unconditionally, we Love

When it comes to the love between two people, it is unmatched by much else or by much else that can be considered the Love energy prevalent within the confines of human life. We love those who we call “family,” and I know that within the confines of my own Hanai Ohana…my own adopted family…there is nothing but Love of the unconditional sort.

Sure, there are those within that familial energy who we get upset with, who irritate us, and piss us off, but, without them, we feel like our family is incomplete (hey – every family has a couple of weird cousins, a very eccentric auntie or two, at least one mahu uncle, and many elders….haha…please, keep reading…). Without those whose hurts are obvious to us, whose broken state is apparent, who are part of our lives and who need us in theirs as much as we do not realize that we need them in ours, we have no idea what the truth of compassion is. Without these broken people in our lives, and especially since way down deep inside, we know how broken we are for real, we have no mirror, and we have no one to give this hope and this honor of being part of a group whose love energy is unlike that of any other on the planet. It is the energy that is produced by this group, this energy of Love, of loyalty and of being able to depend on any one of them, sometimes at a moment’s notice, for no other reason than that we might simply need an ear (MaestroAmber…Scott…Dannie…April…Noreen…hi guys…you know I love you )and most of the time, unless they are busily trying to heal something of their own, they are there for us.

This is the reason why I have such a hard time, have had such a hard time, for the majority of my life, trying to think and accept the idea that the only family that any one of us ever truly has is the one that we are born into. I have always had the question in my head, the one that also and always asked if it were the truth that we were family, and that we were meant to love one another unconditionally and if it were that we were acceptable to them in the very manner that we are, even if the manner that we are in at any given time is one of a disheveled human being…then why was it that I always felt like I did not belong?

A lifetime of Pain…

It is not a secret – I have never truly felt like I belonged with anyone other than a very certain few within one side of my extended family. Because I do not personally want to live through that pain of remembering how I was treated by many of them from the time that I was a small child, I will simply just state here and now that there are some who I know that I can relate to, because those few and I have something in common. Whether it is hula (Hui…Kawai…pe he’a ‘oe, cousin? How are the babies?) or perhaps my intellectual pursuits (Kapiolani…Kaiulani…Ku’uipo…hi guys!) or maybe it is that we share a very strong, very unique bond, and one that is unmatched to any others and is more akin to being siblings (Eh…Pio…Wai…Mary…Kisha and Gina…Drew…Jimmy, Jeffrey and Jason…Micah…Anela…Lance…Howzit you guys?)…My entire point is that we are gifted, every single one of us, with this…radar…within, and one that never fails us.

It is the radar that, when I was a child, told me, even then, that what I was in for with at least one side of my family was not going to be very kind, told me that on some level, because of who I have always been, there would always be those people who were not able to wrap their heads around how strange and eccentric I have always been. I was not told that this would or could happen. I was told that family loves us no matter what. In my case, with exception to the very few, given how large my combined family of both sides has always been, it was something that went completely against everything that I was told was the truth. I was hurt most of the time, not for anything other than that more times than not, I was not included in a lot of things, and this was because of everything that people felt about my dad – sad, right? Sad that the way that they felt about him would trickle down to me, and sad that some of them could not see just me as me.

Then one day it hit me – they indeed WERE seeing me as me, and even they knew then what I have only known for a few years now…we were just not each others’ kind of people, and because of this, it caused me a lifetime’s worth of pain that these days, have become the thing that has actually served me better now than it hurt me then. I did not know this then, because as a child, I was learning what I needed to learn, a long lesson in what is the truth of being part of a family biologically, versus being part of a family that you know you belong with, part of a family that loves me as this me and loves me even though I am the person who can wear permanent “bitch face” if I had to.

I suppose that what I am trying to say is that we are taught, and rightly so, to have respect for our families, and to love them, but what no one tells us is that there usually comes a day in each of our lives where we are able to choose what is and what is not our personal definition of being part of a family really is. We are taught that our blood is absolute, which it is, but what no one tells us is that we are not bound by our blood to one another, but rather and only by our souls and our similar energies – even though it is blood and DNA that ties us biologically forever. We are not told that it is okay to not like our mom’s brother or our dad’s dad, and we are also not told that one day we will know the reason why we did not like them, but that when we understood, we would love them, even if it meant loving them from a distance.

We are not told when we are kids that we are allowed to like who we like, are not told that Love does not mean that someone is always going to be nice to you. We are not told that while we may well Love these other people, that we might not like them, or that it is okay that we don’t. We are not told that when we get older, the people who are the closest to us might not be those who we share DNA and a grandmother with, but will be people who we share the most memories with, people we have the most in common with, because we have spent a lot of quality time with them. We are not told that when we are able to see these things, that the pain will be monumental, and that even though it hurts and might hurt for a very long time, it will be the pain that will actually be what saves us from having to deal with that same pain, again from these very same teachers who brought it to us and kept bringing it to us.

We, instead, are told, at least a lot of us were, and even now, there are still a lot of people who think that Love between family members is automatic, is a requirement, and that the requirement is ours when it comes to “making” anyone else feel differently about us. We are forced through guilt and coercion, and if we should disagree with that guilt, that coercion, that obviously, we do not deserve the “Love” from others within our actual biological and extended, or even nuclear, families.

Then one day, it happens…

It took me a very long time to retrain my brain so that I would know who Loves me and who is only in my life to teach me the harsh lessons that I am meant to learn. It took me along time to learn that I am not bad, just different. It took me a long time to figure out that I am not worthless, because at least one person on this planet finds my presence in their lives to be a very good thing. It took me a long time to get over the things that I was taught was the truth of me, that I would have to just deal with until one day, I just chose to no longer deal with people of a shitty, hurtful nature.

It takes all of us a very long time to choose to relieve our own selves of the pains that others brought to us. And it is an arduous task at best, and the most …heart breaking thing…that any one of us will humanely give ourselves – a break,  permanently, from allowing other people to be awful to us. By “allowing” I do not mean that you are purposely walking into a situation, knowingly open to being abused, and then ultimately being harmed by someone else, and then choosing to go back and do it again and again, without good purpose or without knowing this much – that people are going to take the opportunity to be horrid to us, and because of this, we know to keep ourselves guarded against those who have this energy.

Then, one day, it happens…we end up looking at ourselves, and of course, our phones, or our emails, or photos taken recently, and realize that we actually have family to call our own. It is evidenced by the people who reach out to us, almost daily, just to see if we are okay…

We find out that all along, the people who we called our friends, at least some of them, were there and present in our lives because at the same time that we needed them, they needed us, too.

We figured out that while we might not have held any major importance to anyone with whom we share a grandparent with, we were being ourselves, and no one is at fault for that one. We figured out that what we were not given by our blood relations, our friends have been there all these years, taking care of our hearts and our souls, cradling our spirit in their arms, making sure that we know just how much we are very dearly loved.

We figure out, eventually, that our life matters to these people who do not look at all like us, but, they are just like us where it matters most, which is in the heart and soul, and especially within that boundary called Hanai Ohana, called the family we do not know we have until someone comes along one day and makes it clear to us that we are special, that we matter to them, that who we are is a needed part of who they are. We find out that what it is that they give to us is also the same thing that we give to them.

Mostly, though, we find out that we belong…and this is the most precious, most life giving and priceless gift of all.

We are given this same gift, every single day of our lives.

Indeed…I Love My Hanai Ohana…my adopted family…

You know it… I Love You All !!





The Exchange of Integrity

Money changing hands The Mana'o Blog July 1

Integrity is that thing that we exchange with others at all times. Integrity is also the thing that many tend to let go of when it is that life gets in the way.


Integrity is that thing, I am finding, by right of my own words to a very important person, that I have a whole lot of. You see, the person who inspired this writing, which would be the third one of its kind within a week’s time, gave me, without knowing that they gave me, a challenge and the sort of challenge that I cannot deny. The challenge did not directly come from them. The challenge came from the thing that I was told, this time for the second time, and this time it is nothing that I am not taking seriously, much as I have any other time. Every time, though, when it happens that I see what I see and know what I know is the truth, I find out a whole lot about people in the lives of others who like to say they will do one thing, and end up doing the other thing, and this makes us feel really badly about who we are, simply because the thing that we trusted someone else with has become the symbol of things that hurt us.

Those things hurt us because most of the time those others have been told that maybe what we are doing is not indicative of who we are, and if we are being in the energy that carries less integrity than that which we are living in for and with ourselves, and that energy belongs to someone else, then it is at that time that we need to ask ourselves a whole lot of questions. In my case, the only one that I can ask, in terms of the thing that I am writing about and the thing that caused me to have this inspiration is the idea that when someone entrusts anyone else at all with something that they know carries meaning for anyone, it is wise to hang on to the energy that is the truth that anyone else had in us at one time.

Let it be well known right now that there are not a whole lot of people on this planet who I trust very much, and when it is that someone who I considered trustworthy has proven me otherwise, namely since it is that this person has known me long enough to know, too, that anyone who I bring to their lives with the intention of helping someone else to get what they want to get going, going, and the other person who has entered into anyone’s life by merit of their knowing me, and that person fails to live up to their end of things, I have a problem with it.

I have such a problem with it that today, for the third time this week, I am here, again, writing this blog and I am here, again, trying hard to not feel like I am drowning in my own fear, in my own depths and in my own anger that has become a sadness with a thickness like that of dense cheesecake. My sadness is for a lot of reasons, but in this instance, as I have told those who are still those who I trust, but right now, that sadness is because again, and within a short time, I am cutting ties with someone who I thought was a friend and who I trusted with anything at all, but namely their word.

The words that we speak and write are all we really have. When it is that we say anything to anyone at all, we have to take care that what we say is the truth, and what we say is meant to clarify anything to anyone else. What we are doing in that clarification is simple – we are mapping our expectations. When a transaction of any kind at all takes place, there is a certain expectation of things to happen. Let’s take money, for instance. When we are given the opportunity to make a few dollars doing the thing that we love to do the most, and when it is that an agreement has been made between two or more people in terms of that money or that exchange, all involved are expected, whether it is a signature on a document, or a handshake, or an email, or even a text or phone conversation…all parties, at that moment, are agreeing to the terms of the thing being talked about, meaning that all parties are willingly doing what they all promised that they would.

The reason that I am using money as my example, even as money, while it is important, is not the very most important thing to me, because to me it is simply a tool to get things done, is because everyone knows what money can do to people.

Money and integrity

I understand that there is a lot going on in the planetary climes right now, and that a lot of the things that we held true and as ours are slowly finding their way away from us. I am not different. Just yesterday I had to face the fact that my knee was telling me, again, that I need to just put my hula aside for a bit, and do what I do better than that – write, and research. It has become the only thing that I can turn to in terms of my own and self-imposed therapy. There is no better way for a person who has been called stupid her whole life to prove that one thing different than being the person who makes that thought in my own head no longer valid. I could easily just do something related to hula, but in doing so, all I will end up doing is bring more harm to myself. If there is anyone who does not need more emotional self harm, it is me.

I could sell out, and work with another one of those per word websites, but, that will only make me mad because I know that my words are of value to people. I have been told so. I could sell out, and get help to write web content for other weirdos, but, then I have to believe in the things that I am writing on their behalf, and there is no guarantee that I am going to be paid what I know that I am worth in terms of what I can write, what I do write, and the organic manner that is the writing that I have always done, which is straight from the soul and directly into the eyes that those words are meant for. I could do a lot of things, and yes…I am willing to state now that I am not as good as a lot of writers are, and this is the thing that I believe because the simple fact is that I do not get paid to write, at least not like I did at one time, and only because I will not sell out and take orders from people who are only looking for hits to their websites.

I might be strangling myself in being this way, but this is the way that I do things – with integrity. And I cannot be any other way. I have never been any way but this way. I might do a lot of things that a lot of “saner” people would never do, but the bottom line is that I remain with my integrity, no matter what, and under no circumstances will I allow myself to lower my standards. There are people who want to believe that I have lowered myself to what they want to believe is a level of lowered that only they can see and is about them in certain ways, but even in that thought they are incorrect – I do not see bad things in others if those bad things are not backed up with a certain level of intention. When I see that people are doing things that are going against the thing that they have agreed to, I am automatically seeing what is their intention.

Integrity and Intention

Our integrity is something that we cultivate on our own and without any help. It is brought to us by means of others who have almost no integrity. We learn who we are and who we are not, not only to others but to ourselves, through the level of integrity that others have and are willingly displaying to us through their words and their actions that they show to us. I have been shown my own level of integrity in terms of who I am, and I KNOW that I have not let myself down, meaning that I know, too, that I have not let anyone else down, namely those who are closest to me.

However, those who I thought I might be able to trust with my …trust in them…has been cracked, and in that cracking I have found that I have been duped and that the thing that will be told to me, even though I am not hearing any of it, is just these others trying hard to get around the idea that somehow, their lives are so harsh on them, that they allowed something to slip their mind, for a long time, and that they already know what it was that was so crucial to anyone else that the agreement be kept confidential, as well as said same agreement be kept, period. The reason that the agreement needed to be kept is not just the part that was the representative of the integrity – money – but the truth of the person with whom anyone would make any agreement with. Let it be known now that whenever someone makes an agreement with anyone else, that what you are exchanging is NOT tangible things, but, trust.

Trust is built upon the integrity of others

I am saying it, so deal with it – if you have been operating at less than your own self-set level of integrity, and with my assuming that your own level is as high as it ought to be, then you are not only robbing others of your own self-set goodness, but you are also robbing your damned self of it. When agreements are not kept by all sides, it makes us feel like we somehow are going to lose everything, just because one or more persons have chosen to deal with their own …less than high level of integrity that they expect others, or maybe don’t expect others to have. This is the reality that right at this moment, is mine and this is the reality that lots of people have brought to me not just in the past, but in the recent past, and this is the reality that starts a snowball effect of everything else going wrong in the lives of those whose integrity IS what it is supposed to be (and ought to be) at all times.

What this means is that say you borrowed something from someone. Let’s use clothing for this example – you borrow something that means a whole lot to someone else. You beg that person to please return your item by a specified time, and you trust this person to at least bring it back within a day or two, expecting that like all human beings, the person who is borrowing the dress to at least return it within a respectable amount of time to you.

One day, you are invited to an event that calls for something decently dressy. You call the person who borrowed the item, and they are not able to be reached, by phone, by text, and they do not respond to your emails, either. The event you have been invited to is a fundraiser, and it calls that you wear something demurely smashing, and you call the person again, and again…still, no answer.

And now, you are pissed. (OK I was pissed…keep reading…)

You think that this person has become like all others, and soon you are lumping all others into this pile of others who have less than an acceptable level of integrity. Finally, on the day of this event, you get the dress back. Not only is the dress NOT clean, there are food and wine stains on it, and the person who borrowed it is coming up with all kinds of excuses as to why they did not bring the item back, and they even have the very nerve to have an attitude with you.

Here you were, waiting all this time, knowing that you would have given back that dress in at least the same shape that you borrowed it in, and you are now upset that this person who called themselves a “good friend” has brought this item to you in the manner that they did, with the attitude that they did, and at that moment, you do not realize that you have been shown their truth.

You know it is their truth, but you do not want to believe that it is their truth. You want to see that person in the manner that you would see a stranger, because that is, in that moment, what that person becomes to you. You have experienced the truth of someone else, in this manner, and it is believable and only because the manner in which the other person has brought to you the thing that they think is the truth of you – that you would be cool with it if they didn’t bring your item back to you just the same way it was when you loaned it to them. This was not only them exposing their own truth about themselves, but also will cause any thinking human being without cause to believe otherwise (meaning that at least a return phone call or an email regarding the dress would have at least made the reason for the late return believable) that they were living up to the level of integrity that they always showed you.

Just because someone says something, unless it is that the things that they have said otherwise would tell you not to loan that dress to them, when it is loaned to them, it is you having your experience with them as the thing that caused you to borrow the dress. You wanted to believe your friend, wanted to believe that the words they told you were the truth, wanted to make certain that on both ends, you were both covered. And you did your part – you did exactly what you said you would do, and you loaned your friend that dress, which was one of your most favored ones, and you gave that friend the respect that you have always afforded them.

Then, they did not return the dress. And now you are looking at the dress in its nasty, dirty, stained and B.O. smelling state, and all you can think about at that point and after you have gone through the anger, is why it is that someone you trusted with something so valued by you would return something to you in the shape they did, having the shitty attitude they had, and expecting you to understand why they ended up being the shitty person who they were to you in returning the dress in the manner that they returned it. They gave you every excuse they could, and did not think one moment about why it is that you needed that dress back. You don’t even know why you needed it back, given that you have a closet full of dresses that could be worn to that fancy-shmancy shindig.

The reason…

The reason is simple – we know who we are, and we know that for the most part, we are who we hang with. This lends to the thing that is really bothering me and the thing that is not going to be mentioned here. Those who need to know about the exchange that I am writing about already know.

The reason why it is that anyone will do things in the manner that are less than filled with integrity is because those who are less than filled with integrity are learning that if you operate below the level of the initial exchange, and you operate in the manner that is only about your own self, without regard to what others are also going through, and you choose to do like you have in the past and disregard that perhaps what was needed was that the agreement be seen to and that the transactions be known for what they are, in black and white, so that there is a very high level of clarity.

That anyone will entrust another person with the things that they have to offer and are tangible is one thing, but, to believe that those with whom we make any agreements with are not going to mind very much if we do less than what was agreed to is believing that there truly IS beach-property in Arizona, and that dolphins can be seen frolicking in the dry lakes after a downpour in Death Valley – meaning that you are fooling yourself if you think that the person or persons who you have made any agreements with, even if they are assumed agreements and ones that are clarified at some point, and they are agreements that you looked someone else in the eye and made, and you, yourself, were not in the middle of a pot of shit soup that life threw at you…

…I have beach front property in Kingman, Arizona….

(Ummm…no…no I do not….that would be a lie….I do not lie…)

If you want other people to live up to the standard of integrity that you know you operate at, demand it, even silently. Become that loud voice, the one that rings only in the thoughts and the halls of people who need to feel badly, even though they obviously don’t, for real, about the way that they would assume anyone would be “cool with it” if an agreement has not been kept. Agreements are not only those things that we deal with in business, but also in life. When someone is depending on your integrity to make the words that you speak become the actual truth, it means that they have entrusted you to keep your word and to live up to what you were entrusted with…

…which is not those who you want understanding why it is that you have nothing but excuses (because even silence is very telling), even though you have the means to return a dress, or return borrowed money, but you actually telling them what you think of them, and what you think of you. If you have no issues that are truly pressing right this moment, and you know that you have the means to return the proverbial dress, then fucking do it already…

Your integrity is already showing, because of the silence…

(I really loved that dress…)






We all have the right to do and be lots of things, but the thing that we have the duty to be, most of all, is Strong.

I was compelled just now, by someone close to me, to write another blog for this particular blog this week. The person’s words struck me as unbelievable, because I have not been very strong for some time, or at least I do not feel like I have been.

Apparently,and according to this person who told me this a bit over an hour ago, I am the strongest person alive on the planet right this moment. I guess I have to be, because always it is the mask that I wear, and wear without thinking that I am wearing it. Lots of things in my life, at all times, because of the nature of my work in this world, calls, always, for me to be strong. Yet, there are always going to be those times when even when I think I am being strong, I am being anything but that. One of those times is right this moment, and no, I am not writing this because the person who told me this needs to be told they are wrong. I am writing this because I am compelled by the intense and incredible amount of pain that it seems the collective of human beings on the planet or at least in our personal awareness (that place called our “individual worlds”), are in serious turmoil.

Myself, dearly included…

I am trying very hard to not fall apart, but, part of me knows that things like what has happened, only happen, NOT because there is a reason that does not make sense – but for purposes of learning.

When we are learning, it means that no matter what we do, we are going to toil and toil because when we are learning, it means that there is something that we do not know completely about. Sometimes we learn things that we cannot wrap our heads around. What I have learned at this moment is that my time for the hard lessons have again, started, as though I needed more of them to help me complete this, the thing that I refer to as being my “Ethereal PhD.” Unlike the other one which I am striving toward (although I WILL be happy just being able to teach at the college level…keep reading…), this one is a LOT more hard to get through, because the lessons and the learning come through the thing that we all have in common, at all times – that thing called “Life.” The lesson for me is the loss of being able to do this dance that I love so very much. I love Hula. Unfortunately, for me, at this moment, and perhaps even for some time to come, hula is not mine, at all.

I am learning…and I am not even trying, and that is the hard part of learning anything – most of the time, unless we are game for it, we do not want to learn a thing. We want our lives to be magical, and they typically end up that way once we have decided that the lesson is not as bad as going on with things as they were in the past, where all of our pain lives, and there is no way out of that pain without our learning about why we were in pain. We want them to be that way in the manner that we envision them, our lives. It is fine, even a good thing that we envision them. In fact, we are supposed to, but, we are also supposed to leave open room for us to be able to have what is exactly what we see, or better. The way that we stop the flow of this energy is by refusing to look at things and see them exactly as they are. Whether they are good or bad is up to whoever is looking at it all.

We cannot have anything better if we are not open to the FACT that in order for the better to happen for us, we have to leave that which hurt us so deeply behind. Some of us cannot help but hang on to the things that are back there, in the past, and a lot of the time, what is back there is not that great, and if it is that great, no matter how badly we want to go back there, we can’t. It’s that thing called evolving.

That Thing Called Evolving

To evolve is what we are here to do, no matter how much it hurts us, we must.

If we do not, we are not ever going to know what is ahead of us. We will never know what is in front of us if we are more concerned with what was going on or more along the lines of thinking that we are supposed to still be who we were a long time ago (nope). If I sat in the reality that was mine from 2010 to 2012, I might not be writing this right now. In fact, I might be dead, given all of the horrid things that I did to myself, all so that I would not have to go through the pain that I was experiencing in my life. None of that pain was physical, at least not immediately, and all of that pain brought to me the things that I needed to learn about myself that were things that were not that great.

What I learned about me in that time is that I have to…HAVE TO forgive myself for all of the things that I did not know about but begrudgingly still ended up experiencing, and all of the things that were in store for me that I could not see past right this moment to save my life with….what I ultimately learned is that no matter what we want to do, no matter who we think we are, to anyone at all, but namely to ourselves, is the person who we see, at all times, in our mind’s eyes. The thing about that though is that we have to do the work to get there, good or other than good, to be that person, and lots of us, even me sometimes, do NOT want to do the work.

I harp on doing the work part the most, with anyone at all, because it is that work part of all of this evolution going on that the majority of us does NOT want to have to do. We can see all we want to be, to ourselves, and to anyone else at all, but, what we are not prepared to see is the in between time of it all, the time that it takes for us to wear the changes, changes that we called in to our awareness, and changes that, regardless if we feel like they are needed, regardless of how much it hurts us to go through it all (hey…changing at the soul level is a bitch…I Promise…but, once those changes have occurred, and whether we like to believe it or not – those changes are permanent…because they are the very changes that we have each and all called into being and into our awareness….yup…please keep reading…) are what we have to go through.

This is the Truth – for any one of us to experience any sort of change from the inside, out, we have to be willing to look at all of the ugly things that give us a reason to fear anything, and we have to be willing to accept that this is the thing that is visiting our lives right now for the very and only sole purpose of perpetuating the growth that we, ourselves, have called to our lives. We have to be able to face ourselves, even and especially at all the things that we do not want to look at. It is all there for a reason, with that reason being that the things that present themselves as they will and in the ugly fashion that they typically do are meant to make us see that those very things, even as we may well love them all, are actually hurting us. The things that we state are hurting us are too easy, and sometimes those things are the very things that we know deep within our selves are the things that we most need for our lives and our souls.Ultimately, we figure out that it was never another person who has brought the pain, but our willingness to go through it, hoping we can change anything at all.

The reality is that we cannot change another person. This is the hurt that makes us keep hurting – the thing that eats us…it is the idea that we cannot make other people see who they are for real, because maybe they cannot accept their own goodness, because all of the bad things that they have been, over time, taking in and believing.

Ain’t it a bitch? We want someone – ANYONE – to see our brilliance, and then once they see it, we want to deny it is there. You cannot imagine the pain brought alone by that…this is the thing that a LOT of people take for granted…that maybe those who are telling us that we are every bit as good as we are, we are allowing what the shitty people in our lives, in our past, in our now, to be the presiding thing about us each…what the hell is wrong with us?

I cannot state that I do not freak out the moment my own uglies come creeping up on me, and my own uglies are those things that scare the hell out of me, to the point, at times, of spiritual, emotional and from time to time, specifically in my legs and feet (it’s a Pisces thing) paralyzed. When I am in this mode, I know that my brain has taken over, forgivingly so, and that my brain is telling the rest of me that it is time to just simply put down all of the ugly things that scare me, or more, that I have convinced myself will still end up being the only reality that I will ever know. Since I began this time around at school, I have learned a whole lot about how it is that we allow ourselves to believe the very worst things about us, and we choose to grasp on to the horrid things that others have brought to us, and some of us refuse to see the good that is there, all because we are prone, as humans being human, to want to fight, or run away, or simply just freeze in our tracks, all so that we will not have to experience the pain that we know will surely be ours.

The thing that no one thinks about is the one thing that I have to remind myself of almost everyday – that everything that sucks, even though everything that has sucked has sucked for a very long set of years by this time is temporary. I cannot stress this much enough. I get a lot…a WHOLE LOT of emails, almost daily, asking me if I know when these ugly times will be over, or more, that a lot of people right this moment in time are very dearly angry at the way their hard work has seemed to be the thing that they are wanting to have the tangible reality for, and this is the most understandable thing in the world to me, right in this moment, because of everything that I have experienced in my life to this point from the day after Christmas, 2015. I was told, by many many “experts” in many several different fields of weirdness, that all of this madness would be over with by June.

It is June, and not only is the madness not over with, but because it has lasted this long thus far, it is hard to see anything other than that which we do not have, and it is causing a collectively felt paralysis of the Soul on a global scale.

Paralysis of The Soul

Our is a collective that seems to like being…numbed…or perhaps at least paralyzed to change.

We are told by well meaning people, typically when we are younger, and most of the time through the actions of others,  that things are supposed to go one way and we glue ourselves to that one way.We believe that those who came before us are the ones who had ALL the answers, only to be led down the path to what THEY wanted, instead of what WE have pined for all of our lives. This is the sickness that is global, the very one which was spawned by organized religion, and the one that keeps the masses in control while the rest of the world seeks out its own higher knowledge through means of other peoples’ “for sale” Wisdom. When we choose to sell that which was so freely ours at birth is when all of these things that are meant for our free use so that what we do in this lifetime and is connected to the rest of the planet, will end up ultimately at the pinnacle of what it was that we envisioned but, due to all of the crazy crap going on at this moment and in the global fashion, we are unable to see it all the way that it is not. The only thing that we are seeing right now is how much all of us hurts, badly, and are pining for the way things were.

The way things were is not how they are supposed to be now, now when what is the most crucial thing we are learning is NOT what to do with all of this…shit…we have been handed, but, what we are NOT going to do in terms of what our ego-selves wants us to do, in order that we will survive anything at all. We do not realize what all we are made of until a crisis strikes. It is at that time that we are being our truest selves, because it is at that time that we are not wearing the mask of who we were – we are, in that moment, essentially our true selves. Our true selves will always surface, and we are lucky if others, even if it is only a few others, even only one other, is there to make sure that through it all, we realize that truly, even though things sucked and still suck, we were not ever alone. Somehow, Spirit makes it so that there is at least one person on this planet who gets it, who is patient enough, loving enough, with an open mind and spirit enough, to help make sense of things. When it is that things cannot be made sense of, it is time to look at everything that we have been presented with and ask ourselves what it is that we are learning.

What we are learning is not what we thought we were being taught. Understand now that there is a huge difference between learning and being taught. To learn is a willingness to take in whatever it is that we are given as a lesson. What a LOT of people do not get, in terms of lessons like these ones we are all learning from right now, is that it is easier to learn, because we are given that option to see things as being a learning opportunity, so that we can find the treasures that are buried in the thing that we see only as being the excrement of our lives….than it is to be taught, because being taught means that we are trying hard to not be told what to do, even though Spirit and the world of Spirit does not work that way. Even in our death we are able to feel the way that we did when we hurt in the physical, but, when we are not in our bodies, we are also not able to make the choice to not come back into this lifetime to correct what it is that we did not learn through learning what it is that we resisted.

When we resist, the things that haunt us persist. We are all told, for instance, about this thing called an American Dream and how it is that this particular dream is meant for us all. It isn’t. We do not all dream the same dreams or think the same things, even though we are privy to everything we want, if we are willing to do the work involved, and work that is solely and only for our benefit and brought to us through the challenges that we face in our waking lives. is like this thing called an American Dream.

We are told that there is such a thing, and because there is such a thing, we are also all told to chase it. Then the chase ensues, and we are on our way to this thing that we have in our heads that is “ours” or we think it is ours and what happens after the fact is a whole lot of disappointment, and a whole lot of beating the shit out of ourselves, and a whole lot of things happening in the manner that no one could have predicted. (By the way – no one psychic can tell the future, and really, the only thing that anyone like me CAN predict is that there is a propensity towards anything. NO ONE IS 100%…do NOT let anyone lie to you like they know, because they likely don’t know)

No matter what anyone wants to believe, the paralysis in the soul is the thing that causes us to no longer be who we are for real. The paralysis makes things seem a lot uglier than they are, makes us feel it all a LOT deeper than it all really is. Whether I want to believe things are the way that they are and are NOT meant to make things be worse is one thing and is one thing because that one thing MATTERS more than anyone thinks it does.

That one thing is the thing that seems to be eating our lives, and that one thing is the thing that we need to tend to, but it is not the thing that is there that we want to blame it all on. This is our problem as humans – we are not able to see ourselves as being the thing that makes a situation much worse. We are only able to see ourselves as trying to only be the one who makes everything better, the one who everyone will call a “hero” or a “savior” and the one thing that makes us go totally against those things that we are trying to get others to believe but refuse to believe, ourselves. We think we have a grasp on things, but it is the grasp on things that needs to be less strangling than it is being the representative thing we think is helping us NOT to lose more than we have already lost.

Yep, I do know what it is like to have lost every tangible thing that I own, have experienced the idea that I cannot teach hula like I once used to and also that the time that was spent by me as a promoter and marketing agent have been over for a very long time, and the only thing that was left that I had to say goodbye to and that hurt me immensely was part of myself – and part of myself that held onto my hula like I did. I strangled it, made it go away and then when I went to go get it back, my knee decided that I did not need it at that time. Here it is months later and again…my knee…is swollen and ugly and making it hard for me to walk. BUT – I know that I have to walk on it, no matter how painful it is, that I have to use it or most assuredly I will lose it, even though I may have lost my hula, forever.

You can bet that I am upset, but, I have had to practice what it is that I am now learning, literally, in the halls of academia. I have to practice what it is that is so very vital to me, and I have to learn to allow myself to see my hula as something that it has never been for me – a spectator event, unless and until the lessons that I am learning which surround it change. I miss my dance, but I miss walking without pain more. The last time I checked, I need my legs to work properly so that I can get from point A to point B on the very hilly campus that I call school. I have to think what is more important, not only to me, but, ultimately to those who will seek my unique knowledge in terms of what is bothering them, way down deep in the soul, and what it is that they have the option to do about any of it.

We have the option to heal, and we have the option to believe our own selves when we know that there are people in our lives who are there to support us, to be with us, even if from a distance…and it is these people who mean the most to us, even when they piss us off. At this moment in time, I have been taught a lesson in the sanctity of who I am, and in that Divine energy, I find that truly, just as my Maestro has reminded me again and again, it is not my dance that the world wants more of….it is these things called words that are my Divine strength, and these things which live within the soul of us each that need to be expressed and need to be known so that the rest of us who choose NOT to hone their own intuitive skills can at least remember that things that suck are things that we have much to learn from.

The things that we need to learn from are usually things that we did not want to think could or would happen, are the things that we thought we might be able to escape but have found out that we cannot.

I cannot escape, nor deny, that hula, at this time, is an impossibility. I can blame no one but me – not that I injured my knee, but, that I chose to do more with it before it was completely healed than I should have. The injury was brought to me January 2, 2016, the moment that I slipped off of the back of that moving truck and onto my knee, very, very hard. At that moment, the only thing that was my thought was that I would not be able to dance, at least one more time, and that the last time I will dance will be the most important time of all….not only because it is set aside for one special person…

…but because it may well have just become that thing that I have to now see as my Swan song…

Learn well, humans….and know that everything that sucks is meant for us to learn..

…learn about who we are, not only to anyone else, but more than anyone else, to ourselves.





Allowed to Fly

The Mana'o Blog_ Like The Soul Released from its Cage

Every person on this planet has the duty to grow from the inside, out. When we have accepted what is before us, even though we might not like it, it is like we have been allowed to spread our wings and fly

The last year has been a bitch.

All of us has been through a whole lot, and even though it was all harsh, it was all there and in place and took place for all sorts of reasons, with the one most important reason being that when we are in the middle of growing our souls, and we are not aware that this is what is going on, we are more inclined to see the current things happening in our lives as being nothing more than one more thing that we did not need to happen for us.

Yes…for us

For us.

It rarely occurs to others that the throes of things that suck and have visited our lives and seem like they are taking forever to leave our lives has everything to do with the idea that as humans, we have been taught, as well as it is inborn, to hold onto things, even if they are not good for us or no longer hold any purpose for us – we hang on to things in our lives, even the bad things, because those things mean something to us.

They mean something to us for the one reason that no one tends to really and truly think about, and that one thing is that everything that gets in our faces, so to speak, and continues to get in our faces are in our faces because they are showing us something. Typically, what those things are showing us are things that we have not wanted to face, have not completely been able to wrap our heads around. All we can see, and all we can feel, and all that we can understand is that we are at a loss, even though, in many ways, our losses were instead the gains that we have no idea they are. What we are gaining is not just a better understanding of what it is that we have been through and why we have gone through it all, but more, so that we can see, through those things that are no longer there, the thing that has been left there.

We can call it a void, but that is such a negative way of saying that we are taught what we are taught the way that we need to learn it all – Spirit does not make mistakes, she only makes sure that the things we are meant to learn and that are pertinent to the things that we are here and purposed with imparting through our own life’s teachings, we learn. Not everyone is like I am – I LOVE to learn. As sick as it sounds, once it is that a certain harsh lesson has come to me and once it is that I have gone through that lesson, it is not unlike me to revisit, at least in my thoughts, the things that I went through, picking it all apart to find the diamond in the excrement, find the treasure in the proverbial dumpster behind the thrift store.

What learning through doing does for us

I say a whole lot about bravery and how it requires us to be afraid on some level. It is bravery that helps us make choices that otherwise, we would not. It is bravery that allows us to know what is the truth of any situation, and bravery that, within that situation, makes it so that we are more able to see the truth of ourselves. Bravery does NOT require any measure of bravado, because bravado is not the truth – bravado is simply bravado and bravado is the thing that has brought many strong nations to its knees. I am not talking about bravado.

I am talking about knowing that you are scared to death of something that is in the here in now, and knowing that if the choice to not be brave is not there yet, that nothing blocking our path will change, because we have chosen, at that time, to study why it is, through our own self reporting, by journaling or speaking to one’s own self and soul, that we know we are or are not ready, are or are not brave enough to face the demons which live within our own selves. Being brave is very different than wearing a mask of bravado. Bravado is part of the ego’s arsenal, while bravery is born in the Soul. Bravado is the thing that is needed when encountering others who are also wearing that same mask, but for no other reason than that on their part, they need their mask, because their mask hides their fear and their mask makes it easier for anyone at all to “be” brave in the face of anything dangerous to our ego-selves.

Bravery, though, is that thing in our souls that makes us check ourselves, makes us think before we do anything, and bravery is the only thing in this lifetime that makes us have to make a choice – the choice that is on many levels….as Shakespeare asks “To Be, or not To Be?” and in this case it also includes “To Do, or not To Do,” and “To Change, or not To Change…this is the question…” and is the question that we each have been asking ourselves for weeks now, in terms of what it is that we see ahead of us, that we know is there and that we know we will have to work towards having. In those decisions we find that we have already torn apart the answers and the part that we do not understand being why they are the answers. We find that we have been brave simply by choosing to acknowledge that certain shitty things are part of our lives at the present moment. We have acknowledged that there is a part of life right this moment that is daunting, that has the energy of the giant spider that resides in the closet of our memories and sticks like glue next to the monsters and dragons that are there, as well.

Spiders and Dragons and Monsters, oh my !

We all have fears, and some of those fears are produced by this thing that I have been told is called our “cellular knowledge.”

Cellular knowledge, loosely defined, is the thing that makes us have a fearful reaction, or a good reaction, and we do not know why we are having that particular reaction. Basically, this knowledge is housed in our cells, is knowledge, at least to my own understanding and in terms of how it was explained to me by my Auntie Kalei, and of course, Mama No, and then confirmed by my past class in biological psychology as well as my own private research of how the brain does what it does….cellular knowledge is knowledge that is inherited, at the cellular level, and points to our past, even anciently. What we are afraid of and what feels like it is primal and within us is an example of this thing called cellular knowledge.

Our cellular knowledge is where I have found, through researching it, the part of us that is terrified of things that are alive and well within our Twelfth house (astrologically, it is where all of our secrets, all of our fears, all of our karmic lessons “live.”), the part that our ego-self does not want the rest of the world to know exists within us. Many of us only can see it as a harsh challenge overcoming that which is housed within their twelfth houses, particularly if their natal sun (sun sign) is in the 12th house. This does not mean anything other than that these are the lessons which we are here to learn, and this is the karma that needs to be balanced, and now is the lifetime that you have the chance to overcome those fears and to ultimately squish the spiders which live in the closet of our minds.

Unfortunately, most folks don’t do the work, are not interested in changing things that ultimately will be for the betterment of their lives as they once knew it. Sure, the things that are there and are shitty and just do not feel okay are the very things that have come calling on the each of us to stand up and be brave, to look at it all and make sure that whatever it is that seems like it is eating us alive is really only pointing at the thing that we keep on not looking at and that we are terrified to deal with. I know this particular dragon very well. It is the very dragon that has haunted me, with the prodding of the monster that is sitting next to it, that is also pointing at the damned spider that I thought I squished.

What a lot of us are not thinking about is that most of the time, it is in the darkness that these ugly things come to us and scare the hell out of us. When we are children, we are left comforted by a tiny little thing called a night light. Lots of us have a memory of that very night light being the one thing that, in the darkness, only made us more afraid. On the top of things we knew that, because of our cellular knowledge, it is the shadow cast upon the wall in our bedroom that made those monsters and dragons and spiders look so big and scary. We knew they were not the reality, and even if they were, we knew that there was at least a shoe to take care of the spider. Yet, we chose always to stay beneath the covers, not having to look at the landscape that was our bedroom at night, not having to acknowledge that we were very scared of what the shadows on the walls showed us.

Then we got older, and taller, but that little kid who was terrified by those shadows still lives and is alive and well and afraid, dearly afraid, of the shadows that she sees there, ominous and glowering in the darkness and casting onto the walls in the hallways of our minds the evidence of our fears and what it is that keeps us from investigating and finding out the very truth of things.

The very truth of things is that sometimes, it takes a lot of harshness for us to finally want to address things that we have not wanted to, perhaps not for many, many lifetimes. The bottom line is that once it is that we have at the very least acknowledged that something needs our attention, it is at that very moment that we understand one very important thing…

Humans CAN fly….

Humans can fly. Maybe not in the sense that the owl in the photo does, but, none the less, we can and are able to stretch our spiritual wings, able to lift ourselves above any situation, if for nothing more than to just get the view of the truth as it really is at any given time. The truth is, by and large, and for the most part, very ugly. The truths that we love are born of the truths that we cannot bear to look at. The truth of me is that I am terrified of most people, for no other reason than that I have been given the instance, over and over again, of people who are dark in the soul, people who are under the influence of the shadow cast by the demons in the closets of their own existence.

If we realized that we are able to rise above the excrement, that we are given this…bird’s eye-view…of what it is that we are faced with, and if we can simply just tear it all apart, so that we can pinpoint where it is that the terror within us lives, we are able, at that moment to either be brave, or work on becoming brave, so that we can, when the demons rear their heads again, stare them in the face, knowing that the danger they pose is a danger that we have self-imposed on ourselves. This is not saying that no one has a real fear of what it is that we each and all have experienced. It is to say, though, that since it is that we are who give these demons their power, we are also the ones who can destroy them with that same power.

Once it is that we have realized our own power in terms of acknowledging what truths are there, and once it is that we have decided that we will take on our demons, that we will slay our dragons, that we will squish our spiders with the gigantic slippah of the truth, we realize that the monsters that live there are the very sort that Bug Bunny coiffed in so many cartoons.

Let this be the monster who stays….he’s got fabulous hair …and he makes us laugh hysterically, even as at the same time, we are terrified of him.

Our terror keeps us grounded, but, our bravery allows us to fly…

Don’t be so scared of what it is that was placed there, for whatever reason we had when we placed it all there….we placed it there, meaning that we are the only one who has the power to remove it all…

…one spider at a time…one slippah at a time….



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